by anesamiller_wuhi6k | May 5, 2015 | Blog, National Foster Care Month
May is National Foster Care Month, a time to give some thought to the generous efforts of all of those doing their best to help children whose home and family life has suffered disruption. Coming to understand the demands of foster care has played a major role in my writing life. In gratitude to those who helped me learn, I’ll be sharing information on this topic throughout the month of May.
In a work of fiction like Our Orbit, it’s easy to gloss over the many aspects of a complex project like preparing the kids already in your home for the arrival of a new sibling. This will be true whether the newcomer is biological or fostered.
How well does Deanne Fletcher handle the task?
From Our Orbit—
Next morning, Rick was off to work at quarter to seven. At seven-thirty, regular as clockwork, Deanne heard Kayla singing in bed, then Chad began to stir in his crib. Twenty minutes later, they were drinking juice at the kitchen table, while Deanne explained that their new sister would arrive that afternoon. An older sister.
Mother knows best?
“No baby?” Chad said, in his not-yet-two-year-old way.
“No, but this girl needs a place to live right away. She needs a home where people will look after her and treat her like family. We can do that no matter how old she is, can’t we?”
“If she’s big, she can’t come from your tummy,” Kayla said.
“That’s right.” Deanne laughed. “She’ll be a ‘visiting sister.’ Remember how Daddy explained it?”
“She won’t belong to us forever?”
“That’s right. But while she’s here, we’ll treat her just the same as if she would.”
♥ ♥ ♥
A snap, right? True, a novel isn’t expected to serve as a how-to book. So in the interest of offering useful information, here’s an item from the website of the Coalition for Children, Youth & Families that clearly states all the things Deanne was probably keeping in mind—
Tip Sheet Tuesday: Preparing the Kids in Your Home for Fostering
Not only do parents make adjustments in their lives when a child in care enters their home, the children in the house are in 
for changes too . . . big changes! It doesn’t matter if they are born or adopted into the family or are currently in foster care. Adjustments come easily for some—they move over at the table, know they will have to share your time and smile—while others are still processing the changes they had to make well into adulthood.
Humor and Insight
One Wisconsin dad, with humor and insight, tells a story about his nine-year-old son. On the evening that he and his wife were going to foster parenting classes, his son said, “Dad, so you and Mom are going to be gone all night and neglecting me all evening so that you can learn how to care for other kids you’re going to bring into our house?”
This wise father knows that his son anticipates making some big changes and is probably fearing it. It’s the savvy parent who knows that the whole family will be making changes.
On the other hand, some birth children take fostering and adopting for granted. They are in a position to appreciate what their parents are doing and feel part of it. They learn their new dances in the family circle.
One woman who grew up with biological, adopted and foster siblings says, “I think I lived in my own bubble all my life. The kids who came were almost all younger than me, so I didn’t have to compete with them for anything, other than the bathroom. But that was just normal.”
She goes on to say, “I was old enough to understand the basics of foster care, so the comings and goings weren’t a big deal either. Growing up in a foster home is what it is—it’s hard to describe unless you have lived another way to compare it to something.”
Both reactions are valid. Be open to any reactions your kids may have and have some tools ready to help the family expand.
To continue reading on the website of the Coalition for Children, Youth & Families, click here.
Thank you for learning about issues involved in foster care! For additional information—
Visit the official site of National Foster Care Month 2015. That’s right now!
Visit the National Foster Parent Association.
And feel free to share your insights in the “Comments” section below.
by anesamiller_wuhi6k | May 1, 2015 | Blog, National Foster Care Month
The topic of child welfare looms large in my novel Our Orbit. It tells the story of an Appalachian girl who crosses the tracks to become foster daughter to an educated family. Love and conflict ensue as all the burning social issues of our time raise their sometimes ugly heads. In gratitude to those who helped me learn about the many demands and great rewards of foster care, I am sharing information on this topic throughout the month of May 2015, National Foster Care Month.
Pure luck helped me stumble upon the lovely blog and website of a young biological and foster mother named Kelly Cone. Kelly posted the following excellent suggestions last December, but they are every bit as timely now. Many of us are not in a position to make the necessary commitment to become foster parents. Nonetheless, we admire those who take this plunge and would like to support them and their children by contributing in some small way.
Thank you, Kelly!
Have no fear! Kelly of The Cone Zone is here to tell us how —
How You Can Help Foster Children
Without Becoming Foster Parents
There are currently nearly 400,000 children in foster care in the United States, with close to a third of them who are waiting to be adopted. The need is great.
And yet, we all know that not everyone is called to be a foster parent. I’ve written before about how taking children and then giving up midstream makes things worse, perpetuating their cycle of mistrust and abuse. Not everyone is ready for the challenge, the spiritual warfare (it’s a bloody battlefield, that one), the way foster care turns your life upside down and makes you feel as though your world just became a House of Mirrors.
But there are so many good people out there, just dying to help somehow.
And I’m here to let you know, there are things that you can do to help foster children that don’t include being an actual foster parent. In fact, if more people stepped up and helped foster kids (and parents!) in these ways, we wouldn’t see such a high attrition rate for placements. We wouldn’t see as many foster parents making the call to their social worker, saying, “I’ve had enough! I can’t take another day of this!” By helping and supporting foster children and foster parents in these ways, you could make a huge impact in the life of a child.
So, in a nutshell, here it is: How YOU Can Help Foster Children, without becoming an actual foster parent.
1. Bring a Meal: There’s a reason we have meal trains for families who just welcomed a newborn into their family. Adding anyone, no matter how big or small, shakes up the family dynamic and leaves everyone exhausted. If you can picture how tough it is adding a newborn, you can also imagine how hard it must be to add a 7 year old. These children have to figure out an entirely new way to deal with people they’ve never met before, and vice versa. If the child has any trauma or additional challenging behaviors, it’s all the more disorienting for everyone. There are so many logistics in the beginning of a placement, including piles and piles (about 2-3 hours worth) of papers to fill out, required doctor’s appointments to schedule, and shopping trips for necessary food and supplies.
Contact the foster parent (s) and ask when a good day is for you to bring a meal. Make sure to ask about allergies and what the foster child’s favorite food is, and bring that separately if it differs too greatly from what a foster parent would want to eat. Most of the foster kids we’ve encountered want only junk and comfort food– they often come from poverty, where junk food feels normal. They’ve also been through a lot, and you don’t want the new foster parents to have their first power struggle over trying to get them to eat what would be considered by most to be a healthy dinner. Different battle for a different day! Cheeseburgers, hot dogs, nachos and fast food have always been winners in our experience (as much as the organic foodie in me cringes!).
Even if a foster parent has had a child for a length of time, they would still appreciate having someone bring them a meal. Oftentimes, the first 30-60 days of a placement are what they call the “honeymoon phase”, and it isn’t until after that the real hard work begins. Taking the stress of making dinner for everyone “off the table”, so to speak, can be just what a foster parent needs to make it through the day.
Side Note: In our experience, it’s probably not a good idea to offer to take anyone out to dinner, especially not in the beginning. It’s very overwhelming to be suddenly placed in a new family and many foster children find a restaurant environment too challenging and overstimulating. With a few of our placements, we ditched the idea of eating out with them altogether, because we would spend the entire meal trying to handle their behavior, and it just didn’t seem fair to them.
2. Take the child on an outing: Many of the children in foster care miss out on some of childhood’s greatest moments because they spend all of their time in crisis or moving from place to place. Offering to take the children ice skating, hiking, to a movie, to the park, library, children’s museum, or even on a day trip not only gives them beautiful memories to look back on, it gives the foster parents a mini break. Most of the foster children we’ve met need distractions and need to feel like “normal kids”, despite the fact that their lives look nothing close to normal. I still remember every single person who volunteered their own time and money to take our foster children on outings, and I don’t think they realized what a huge gift that was.
3. Sign up for Respite: It’s no secret that being a foster parent is exhausting in every way possible. It’s a given that they will need a day or two break, usually once or twice a month. The catch-22 here is that while the foster parents need lots of resources, oftentimes the resources that the government provides do a lot to alienate the foster child. There is nothing that makes a foster child feel more like an outsider and “product of the system” than to be dropped off on a stranger’s doorstep for a weekend. For this reason, oftentimes, foster children get worse because of respite care.
But if you already know the child in some capacity, sign up to be an official respite caregiver. It’s not hard (usually just a few background checks). Block out a weekend every other month and let the foster parents know ahead of time that you’re willing to take the kids during that time. You never know– the promise of a break might be the only thing getting them through a hellish week. Volunteer to pick a child up from school on Friday and get them back to school on Monday morning. It will give the foster parents (and, oftentimes the foster child) a much much needed breather, especially if they are intending the placement to be permanent. Growing attachments, both for the foster parents and foster child is like trying to grow an extra limb overnight.
If there are other children in the home, respite care is especially important. In every case I’ve seen or heard about, a foster child will take the amount of attention and work of 2-3 kids. Many times, biological children feel neglected and start to feel resentful, which isn’t good for anyone. A foster parent needs a few days every month to set aside for their biological children and spouse to catch up on love and attention.
And, unlike a foster parent, after that three day commitment is up, you get to go back to your normal life. You don’t have the commitment of being a full time foster parent, but you get to uphold and sustain the ones who are. Not only that, but you also get paid for it– usually around $50/day.
A side note: there are hardly any respite caregivers out there. During our entire time of foster care, there were only 1 or 2 available in the entire county. We were constantly using our immediate family for help, which was draining for them as well. The need here is very very great!
4. Help with everyday logistics: I once wrote about how each foster child comes with around 10-20 hours a week of logistics. This doesn’t even include any actual parenting! Many foster children have additional medical needs due to neglect or abuse, and there are also mandatory meetings with the therapist, social workers, school, behavioral aids, and biological parents. The amount of appointments you have to make and keep is staggering, and many foster parents are not prepared for the “home invasion” of their time and resources.
Ask if you can help with logistics. Is there a doctor appointment where the foster parent doesn’t need to be present? Get a written permission slip and offer to transport the child and wait for them. Are there prescriptions to be picked up? Special groceries? Make it happen. Even just offering to take a child to and from school a few times a month will be a help.
5. Offer favors: This one is really the miscellaneous category. Get to know the foster parents and the foster children, and fill in whatever ways are possible. If it doesn’t come across as an offense or a statement, offer to clean the house while they’re at work. Offer to get their car washed or the oil changed. Pick up the batteries at the store that one of the foster children has been bugging the parent about for weeks. Return those library books that keep getting forgotten. These small acts of kindness will help the foster family not feel so overwhelmed and alone.
6. Offer practical gifts: Believe it or not, the foster children we’ve come across have more non-essential material possessions than most of the other children we knew. When we received two of our placements, they had 4 giant trash bags full of toys and stuffed animals, and an extra box of electronics. But they didn’t have jackets. Or shoes. Or toothpaste. Many times, this is because the biological parents are detached from reality and only know how to show their love and assuage their own guilt by buying presents. Toys and gifts were always very meaningless to our placements, for this reason, even perpetuating a nasty sort of emotionless greed that tied in with their trauma.
If money or gifts are your love language, do not, I repeat, DO NOT shower them with toys. Ask the foster parent (if you trust them) what the child needs. Usually, the government is giving enough money to help raise the kids (money is the one thing that the government can provide, when it comes to parenting) but sometimes it isn’t enough, especially if the child has great medical needs or needs special tutoring to catch up in school. Find out if the foster parents need furniture for their new placements, ask to help with school clothes or supplies, or offer to pay for their extracurricular activities.
7. Become a CASA worker: If you have a bit more time and energy to spare, becoming a CASA worker is the single greatest thing you can do aside from becoming an actual foster parent. The idea behind the CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) program is that one person stays with the child from beginning to end, regardless of how many placements, social workers or therapists they go through. During our last placements, we had the most amazing CASA worker, who went above and beyond in every way possible. I don’t know where we would have been without her, honestly. Our placements were so attached to her, and she to them. She got to spend between 3-5 hours a week with the kids, taking them on special outings, buying them school supplies, taking them to appointments. A CASA worker also advocates for the child in a way that no one else can, since usually a CASA worker only has 2-3 kids on her plate, vs. a social worker who has 20-30. In many ways, the CASA worker is the next best thing to having a parent follow the child around in the system.
Last but not lease, here are a few things to avoid when trying to serve foster kids and parents:
1. Don’t ask for too much information about the kids: As much as the foster parent will want to talk about everything foster care related, they really can’t and shouldn’t. Don’t tempt them by asking for details, because in their loneliness, they might just slip up. Ask them how they are doing on a personal level, and just support them.
2. Never EVER introduce them as foster kids: If you are on an outing with one of the kids and someone asks who they are, NEVER call them a foster child. Introduce them as your special friend that you are spending time with, nothing more or less. You can never know how embarrassed and ashamed these kids are, and you don’t want the child to wrap their identity up with what they feel is their dirtiest secret. One of our placements was so ashamed of being a foster child that he asked if he could call us Aunt and Uncle at a Back To School Night (he actually had already told his entire class and teacher that Jesse was his step-dad, but we explained how that was problematic).
3. Be careful about giving money or gifts to the kids: Again, as I said above, money and gifts are worse than meaningless to most foster children (I can’t speak for all, however). If they’ve been in foster care for a while, money and gifts have always rained from the sky, and they start to expect it in weird ways. One of our foster children was so detached from reality that he would ask for a pack of gum and a dirt bike in the same sentence, because for him they cost the same. Don’t buy them a present thinking it will be the best thing they’ve ever received in their life, because usually they will throw it away or leave it somewhere intentionally. Their entire lives have been about trying to fill a huge void in their hearts with material possessions, and they will desperately crave something, only for it to disgust them a few days later.
You also never know if the foster parent is dealing with a difficult biological parent situation. There is a syndrome called “The Disneyland Parent”, where the biological parents try to make themselves out to be the good guys by buying all sorts of toys and junk food for the kids. Sadly, when our kids would go on their supervised visits, they would return with $50-100 worth of toys (yes, paid for with welfare checks!) and be so high on sugar that they would crash and have a horrible evening of tantrums. You don’t want your good intentions to perpetuate this problem, even though your instincts may be telling you to take them on a shopping spree!
4. DO NOT cancel or make empty promises: We once had a therapist who cancelled last minute at least 5 times on one of our placements. I could not fathom how a therapist, of all people, could be so heartless. These kids’ lives have been full of broken promises and lies, and the last thing you want to do is flake on them in any way, shape or form. If you say you are going on an outing, you GO on that outing, unless there is an emergency or death in the family. I cannot stress this one enough. If the foster parent is overwhelmed at all, a last minute cancellation or no-show will devastate them, I guarantee it. If you are the type to constantly forget commitments or cancel, stay clear.
For more information —
Visit The Cone Zone
Visit the official site of National Foster Care Month 2015
Visit the National Foster Parent Association
by anesamiller_wuhi6k | Apr 29, 2015 | Blog, Issues in Our Orbit -- Substance Abuse & Recovery
Learning to care for others
Substance abuse is an issue that I’ve been discussing with friends and visitors here on the blog lately. I have confronted this problem in my own life and wouldn’t wish the harm that drug abuse brings in its wake on anyone. But in the spirit of making lemonade when lemons come along, I have called upon those difficult experiences in my creative writing.
Today, a person close to me (who will remain anonymous) shares the conclusion of her story about how drugs affected her family. The first portion of her story is posted here. Scroll down for several links to resources that can be useful to those facing a similar challenge.
A Mother’s Struggle —
Frustrated by her teenage daughter’s denials and drug abuse, this mother was driven to distraction. In last week’s post, she describes “one of my most awful memories”—
…I confronted my daughter. As usual she snowed me with lies. I slapped her in the face. 3 times I slapped her. I demanded she admit what she’d done. I was that desperate. She called me abusive and ran out of the house…
So things dragged on longer than you can imagine, now a little better, now a lot worse.
One tricky thing in the situation is that my kids were in joint custody. Their father is basically a good man, he lived a few blocks away from me. The children could walk to his my house, which seemed like a great arrangement at first. But when my older girl started high school, the gap between Mom and Dad turned into something for her to slip through. She would claim she’d left a favorite sweater or outfit at Dad’s house. Had to have it today! No problem—she could walk right over and get it. But then she didn’t come back for hours. No one knew where she went.
Also her dad insisted she attend his church every Sunday, even when she was with me on the weekend. Okay—I dropped her off at church. But you guessed it, she promptly slipped out another door and ran off to meet the friends she smoked and drank with, instead of meeting her father to join the service.
When we wised up to that, I told her dad I wouldn’t force her to attend church anymore. She was not interested in religion at that time and wanted to stop attending. I thought I could show her some support and let her sleep in on Sunday when she was finally at home and quietly in bed! But the upshot: her dad showed up at my house insisting I get her up so he could drive her to church. This led to all sorts of argument and trouble.
Probably our daughter wanted drugs in order to escape. But lack of a united front between parents is a dangerous thing. Some kids suffer in silence; others learn to use the arguments to a bad advantage.
When all this got started, it was alcohol and marijuana. Soon she added Ritalin, Adderall, and Xanax, which were sold in the halls of her school. I’m sure she tried cocaine and crack at some point. Thank God—those didn’t hold her, but at community college, she got into meth. She stuck with meth until she discovered Oxycontin. From there, it was on to heroin, which is where the progression stopped because she was addicted. Like many addicts, she tried the “geographical cure,” trying to get clean by moving away from her source of supply. She moved in and out of my house several times, but did not know how to really make a change.
She stole money and valuables from both of her parents and other relatives. Supposedly she had “financial” problems: most of the family actually believed she had run up debts due to a “shopping addiction.” Nothing worse than that! I did not believe this but could find no support and didn’t know what to do.
My daughter had become like the magical gingerbread man—
I ran away from a little old woman,
and I ran away from a little old man.
You can’t catch me—I’m the gingerbread man!
She could elude any attempt to pin her down and make her admit that help was needed.
One sunny Saturday morning, I called our local police. My daughter had left our house earlier that week, and now my husband had discovered several hundred dollars missing from his dresser. A kind and soft-spoken policeman sat on our porch and heard our sad story. He told me about something called “treatment in lieu of conviction,” available in our county. It sounded like a legal process that could spare me from setting my girl up for criminal charges while still teaching her that she was facing real consequences.
There was no guarantee that my daughter would qualify for “treatment in lieu of conviction.” It would depend on the circumstances of her apprehension, items that might be in her possession at the time, how she bahaved, and other crimes that might come to light. But it could also work as a way for setting up court-ordered rehab. I agreed to charge my daughter with theft. The policeman filed a warrant for her arrest.
Of course, my daughter’s experience of all this was much different from mine. Once she found out that we had filed a criminal complaint, she went into hiding. She stayed at a hotel with other users and lived on the streets. I talked to many people who knew her, and some of them helped me put up flyers begging for information.
Late one night, a drug addict called my home phone. My daughter had given him the number long before, when she was living with me. This man sounded much older than my daughter. He flat-out told me that he wanted to find her so they could meet up and run some scam together for money, obviously for drugs. It was disgusting, but I heard him out. When I started crying, he said, Never mind: if he saw my daughter again, he would tell her to go home and get clean. To forget about scamming ever again.
I know that was just words of the moment that an addict may laugh about the next day. That man may be scamming still, for all I know. But I was touched and found a grain of hope in his effort to comfort me.
For me, bringing in the law was a turning point where things shifted for the better. At least we were beginning to admit the real problem. I realize that law enforcement is not always helpful to families like us. I’ve heard a few of the horror stories about young people forced to name names in some big police action and winding up in worse trouble than ever. I do believe we’re lucky that our county steers clear of those practices to a certain extent.
There were many more low points along the way. As my daughter would say later, her life was hanging by a thread. That phase went on for many months. But I refused to evade the root of the problem any longer, and I reached out for whatever help I might find. Soon enough, my ex-husband came around to my way of thinking. We used the A-word: it’s an addiction. We were still worried, more worried than ever. But waiting and hoping for our daughter to get arrested was actually a relief after all the lies and spinning wheels. For years we didn’t think our girl would ever shape up. We were afraid she wouldn’t finish high school, wouldn’t go to college or then finish college, wouldn’t stay alive long enough to mature into a real adult. But finally we found cause for hope.
~ ~ ~ ~
Anesa adds— My friend’s daughter evaded arrest for half a year. When she was finally brought to court, she was so intoxicated that her head kept dropping to her shoulder. The judge admonished her, but then he looked up and asked, “Does the defendant have family in the courtroom?”
Her two parents and one stepparent stood up. Persuaded that these elders in her life could offer enough support to give the young woman a chance, the judge ordered her into a county-run program of “treatment in lieu of conviction.” There was a condition that she must not fail a single drug test for two years of probation. After that time, although she was no longer a minor, she would have no criminal record.
Defiant at first, she went through the motions, and ran away from the treatment program twice. Then, over three months of residential rehabilitation, a true desire for recovery emerged. She spent another 15 months at a halfway house, worked a diligent program, and has now been clean and sober for seven years.
~ ~ ~ ~
Links below provide information on addiction and recovery. If you need to do additional reading, I’m offering a chance to receive $50 in free books through the month of April 2015. Click here for details.
Visit the Harvard Help Guide
Visit Parent Treatment Advocates
Visit Gabbertsite from mental health counselor Gail Gabbert
And here’s a recent article from the New York Times on teenagers discussing what might have stopped them from using drugs.
by anesamiller_wuhi6k | Apr 27, 2015 | Blog, Foster Care, National Foster Care Month, OMG—It's CELEBRITIES!
Can you ever have too much star power?
Readers of Our Orbit know that the topic of foster care plays a major role in the plot and the lives of all the characters. To honor everyone who helped me learn and write about this system of neighborly care, I will be posting on this topic for the next several weeks.
We start on a light note, with this addition to the series OMG – It’s CELEBRITIES! Rick and Deanne Fletcher, the young couple who become foster mom and dad to 9-year-old Miriam Winslow after her father’s arrest —
Rick & Deanne: “Ideal foster parents”
Not the meatiest roles?
As you may know, Our Orbit features a number of meaty roles that actors are sure to enjoy: an alcoholic 14-year-old, closeted aunts and uncles, men whose masculinity is dangerously entangled with religious devotion and resistance to authority. So at first glance, the parts of Rick and Deanne Fletcher may not seem like the best in the book.
Born and raised in small-town Ohio, Rick and Deanne meet at the local liberal arts college. They get married as soon as he graduates and finds work teaching chemistry at a rural high school. Deanne teaches kindergarten, then works as a substitute when the babies begin to arrive. Rick’s family boasts a small claim to urban sophistication, coming from the regional hub of Cincinnati, while Deanne grew up on a farm that her family has proudly held for over a century.
A kindly face of authority
By their mid-20s, the couple has a mortgage and two children. Already eager for a third baby, they decide to look into foster care as a way to grow their family while limiting the financial strain. (Maybe not the best reason to do a good thing? You be the judge.) In short, Rick and Deanne are both traditionalists with slightly left-of-center political views. Oh—! and Rick has now been promoted to Assistant Principal of the high school, so he is an official member of the local establishment.
Not necessarily the sexiest roles, these are, nonetheless, central characters that in movie parlance (Watch me pretend I speak it!) must be considered the male and female leads. I need consummate talent to render their authenticity without letting too many hints of stuffiness, much less irony, slip in.
My first thought was the brilliant German-Irish actor Michael Fassbender as Rick, and undisputed genius Jessica Chastain as Deanne. Both come laden with enough awards and nominations to daunt a stout mule.
Since his bone-chilling portrayals of a diehard Confederate racist in Twelve Years a Slave and an amoral lawyer casually consorting with drug kingpins in The Counselor, no one could doubt that Fassbender has talent to burn. His action and fantasy experience attest to range, while Shakespearean roles demonstrate the respect he has earned.
Quite aside from her austere, award-winning role in Zero Dark Thirty, Chastain has shown that she can breathe convincing nuance into maternal roles in Tree of Life and The Color of Time. Even her portrayal of the ditsy Celia Foote in The Help redounds to Deanne’s credit—both are country girls who confront the often constricting demands of rural society. (As a recovering Russian Studies instructor, I’m especially thrilled that Chastain appeared in a festival production of Chekhov’s The Cherry Orchard—more small-town chops.)
Any idea how I can get these folks to show up for a casting call?
Actually, although Fassbender and Chastain are clearly big-screen magic, maybe I don’t need quite so much star power. Actors a bit less blinding with renown could find a way to shine in these modest-seeming roles.
So then, like a real-life Casting Director, I browsed some headshots and experienced an epiphany when I saw Matthew Morrison posing by an institutional-looking brick wall! Who knows more about playing a high school teacher confronted with mega-challenges than the star of the hit TV show Glee?
Homeboy!
True, Mr. Schuester slips in and out of conventional character with ease amid Glee’s meta commentaries and fantastical elements. Not much of that in OO, I’m afraid. But with several awards to his credit, there’s no question that Morrison possesses the skill to head up a dramatic cast, hands tied behind his back. (Which we might need to do: Sorry, Matt—no singing or dancing.)
And as Deanne? How about the irresistible Michelle Williams?
Sweetheart Next-Door
She did motherhood in her multiple award-winning role in Blue Valentine (though, admittedly, that is a tortured and hence perhaps less challenging take on maternity than the unruffled Deanne Fletcher). And as Norma Jean turned Marilyn Monroe, Michelle embodies the sweetheart next-door with endearing ease.
So hey, kids— It’s a definite maybe! I’ll call you as soon as the funding comes together. And even though we now take a pause on the CELEBRITY trail, a few biggies remain to come, later this summer: patriarch Levi Winslow, his wife Emaline, and sister-in-law Aunt Melanie.
Thanks for joining my fantasy. I’ve had good fun. And I think it’s proof that I can dream—can’t I?
~ ~ ~ ~
Kudos for visiting my blog today! Check out the website and let me know if you like what you see, or if you have suggestions. You can reach me by leaving a comment in the box below or by clicking the Contact link at upper right (or just click here). Please consider subscribing to my blog or newsletter. And stop by again soon!
by anesamiller_wuhi6k | Apr 24, 2015 | Blog, Issues in Our Orbit -- Substance Abuse & Recovery
Substance abuse is an issue that I’ve been discussing with friends and visitors here on the blog lately. I have confronted this problem in my own life and wouldn’t wish the harm that drug abuse brings in its wake on anyone. But in the spirit of making lemonade when lemons come along, I have called upon those difficult experiences in my creative writing.
Today, a person close to me (who will remain anonymous) has agreed to tell her story of how drugs affected her family. As you would imagine, it was a painful journey for everyone. Scroll down, below the testimonial, for several links to resources that can be useful to those facing a similar challenge.
A Mother’s Struggle —
About 12 years ago a member of our family got into using drugs. At first, it was just experimenting. It probably started her first day of high school: out of the house, on her own more or less, because we sent her to a church school half an hour from our home (not to our local school). That space between home and school turned into a big enough crack for her to slip through.
Okay, I will say that this person was my own beloved daughter—the eldest of my three children. I won’t say more than that.
Over time when I became suspicious of what she was getting up to, I started searching her room and reading her notebooks. I did feel it was wrong to snoop through her personal things. At first I felt bad about that. You can imagine how a 14-year-old would scream about her privacy being invaded. Lucky for me, she never found out. Unlucky that I never found anything clear enough to bust her and try to put a stop to it. Not that I would have succeeded.
The trouble was that my daughter became a good liar. She could spin convincing tales of where she’d been after school, who she went with, etc., until I became desperate for any grain of truth. Of course, I could tell things were not right. Her personality was changing. In middle school, she had often been irritable, but now she would blow up over any tiny thing. She refused to help around the house, like she always did before, and her grades fell from excellent to okay to fair, and then poor.
It’s hard for me to think about those times. I feel guilty that I failed to nip problems in the bud. I knew she was getting up to something, even though her denials were always believable. But even when I KNEW her clothes smelled of pot or her words got slurred, she could put a good face on it. She would claim that she just tried a bit of beer or marijuana because other people she knew were trying them. Not her real friends—Oh, no! Her friends were not “like that,” they never would use nasty stuff. “Nasty” because she hated it when she tried it, and now that she knows what it’s like, she will never touch it again. YUCK!
Like, What’s wrong with people, Mom? Why do they do that?
She was much too clever to leave anything in her room or backpack or even a pocket. Never so much as one rolling paper or a bottle buried in the trash. Nothing definite, that’s what I’m saying.
I know that some parents have seen deceit like this, based on half-truths that pull you in. Other parents have not, because their kids are still reachable. My daughter had an instinct for what I would believe and what I would want to believe. It broke my heart to think that I could not get through to her, could not convince her to fess up and start fixing the problem. We used to be close. Couldn’t I still be her friend, somehow make her realize that I was on her side, even if she wasn’t a little girl anymore?
Before I wised up, it was like she had already come to believe that getting high was on her side. Drugs were on her side, her real friends. Not mom or family or people, at all.
One time I slapped her in the face. She was bragging to a friend on the phone, using slang that I didn’t understand, but it was obvious she was bragging about something she had bought: What she had bought was expensive and important and a big secret. It sounded like she pooled money with a few others from her school. They would be selling it off in smaller bits to cover the cost. In other words, dealing. I was not in the room at the time, but her little sister was there and was overhearing the whole story. As I passed by the door, I caught on.
I saw that my older girl knew her sister could hear it all. She was bragging about this very bad thing in front of her sister, and she knew it.
That’s what hit me so hard.
I confronted my daughter. As usual she snowed me with lies. I slapped her in the face. 3 times I slapped her. I demanded she admit what she’d done. It was that desperate. She called me abusive and ran out of the house. It’s one of my most awful memories. I hate to think of it.
By the end of that day, I managed to get her set up in counseling. Sounds good, right? But this was at least the third time, over her junior high and high school years, that I got her into professional counseling. Something always came up to block any progress. For one thing, I know she tried to snow the counselor: She would talk about how unfair everyone was to her, and slip-slide over the heart of the matter. Or else she decided she hated the counselor (of which we had little to choose from), or my kids’ father refused to take part in the process.
This testimonial continues here. Links below provide helpful information on addiction and recovery. If you need to do additional reading, I’m offering a chance to receive $50 in free books through the month of April 2015. Click here for details.
Visit the Harvard Help Guide
Visit SoberNation
Visit Parent Treatment Advocates
Visit Gabbertsite from mental health counselor Gail Gabbert
And here’s a recent article from the New York Times on teenagers discussing what might have stopped them from using drugs.
by anesamiller_wuhi6k | Apr 22, 2015 | Blog, Issues in Our Orbit -- Substance Abuse & Recovery
The world awaits you…
Recovery Please, a haiku —
~ ~ ~ ~
Murmurs extending
into screams that can’t be quashed
recovery please!
~ ~ ~ ~
Thank you, Juan !
Here on the blog, I’ve branched out to a few new topics including recovery and substance abuse, which figure significantly in my writing. Other posts in this series maybe found here. (Scroll down for titles… and thanks for visiting!)
for changes too . . . big changes! It doesn’t matter if they are born or adopted into the family or are currently in foster care. Adjustments come easily for some—they move over at the table, know they will have to share your time and smile—while others are still processing the changes they had to make well into adulthood.
Substance abuse is an issue that I’ve been discussing with friends and visitors here 
