Adolescents, Alcohol, and Alienation – Part 2

Adolescents, Alcohol, and Alienation – Part 2

Today I’m honored to present more thoughtful information in the series Issues in OUR ORBIT: Substance Abuse & Recovery. This guest post is by Gregory K. from his website Suchness: A Mental & Spiritual Health Blog. Gregory K. holds a Masters of Divinity degree and is working toward a graduate degree in counseling. His goal is to help Christians and others who struggle in “finding some measure of peace living in our own skins.”

At my request, Gregory K. was kind enough to address the very problems that arise in fictional form in my novel Our Orbit. Part 1 of his discussion is here. Many thanks to him—

In Part 1 of this set of posts we considered a teenager who uses alcohol to find relief from her troubled feelings. Some rudimentary ideas were laid out for how a mental health worker, pastor, or caretaker might approach this problem. For this second half we will instead consider the spiritual components of her suffering and healing.

These posts are responses to a pair of questions given to me by Anesa Miller, an author who has considered these same themes in her most current book Our Orbit. Anesa asked for input on a spiritual approach in helping a teenager who has suffered spiritual alienation in her family. Religion in the West has become more polarized even as politics have become more polarized. This can certainly create a more caustic environment in some families when it comes to the way religion is approached. During my years at both the seminaries I attended I heard many stories from other students about how they were mistreated by spiritual people or how they had difficult breaks with family members over all kinds of religious stuff. This topic has become more important every day, even as it has become more difficult and dangerous to try and talk about it.

I wish that I could begin this discussion being very serious and spiritual, dispensing words of wisdom and matching Scripture. But when it comes to religious alienation in a family, at least according to my experience with it, the spiritual component is actually secondary to what is really upsetting things. Of course every family is different, but much of the turmoil surrounding religion in a family may connect with a certain lack of emotional honesty or emotional vocabulary.

I wish that I could begin this discussion being very serious and spiritual, dispensing words of wisdom and matching Scripture…

Let me break it down further by considering our hypothetical teenager and her family. Let us say that she has a father who has a very conservative Christian bent and she has been struggling with him and his religious ideologies for much of her life. In this case there are two parties. There is the teenager and there is her father. The teenager yells at her father, she throws things, she slams doors, sometimes she even leaves home without saying where she is going for hours or even days.

The father also yells, also slams doors, and he is constantly reminding her of his rules and beliefs and of how she has disappointed him. The fact that he is disappointed seems to throw her into a deeper rage and this elicits a new volley of ultimatums from the father. Around and around it all goes. As you can see by my description spirituality and religion are not actually what is driving this whirlwind of father and daughter. They may shout about God or sermons or morals, but those are not the deepest truths of what father and daughter are experiencing in those explosive moments. Getting to the deeper truths becomes the real work.

Perhaps in working with the teenager we discover that what she really wants is to feel heard by her father. She doesn’t want her words and deeds to bounce right off of him unacknowledged. She doesn’t want to feel that she has no say in the way she interacts with her family, as if she were only a servant or even a pet. At the bottom of it she really just wants a taste of that unconditional love we all crave. She wants her father to love her no matter what, without her always having to compete with his religious views. So she shouts to be heard, she breaks things to make noise, and she runs away hoping he will chase her and hoping that he won’t. This is certainly one possible scenario for the teenager in this position.

Perhaps in working with the father we discover a sense of betrayal and the grief of loss. Having the same views on religion and morals is one of the ways that families can feel connected to one another in simple straight-forward ways. So when his daughter seems to reject the family’s religious views it looks like she is rejecting the family. That is a betrayal that can really hurt. So he strikes back in the bitterness of that hurt, and he strikes back with a wild hope that maybe this time she will finally listen and join the family again. Because deep down he just wants her to be his little girl again, to be a part of his family like he always imagined it, and each word she screams at him is like a rock thrown through the walls of his glass house. This is certainly one possible scenario for the father in this position.

We discover a sense of betrayal and the grief of loss… Ideally we would be working to bring the family to a place of emotional honesty.

Ideally we would be working to bring the family to a place of emotional honesty, where father and daughter become able to express their feelings in ways that actually penetrate through the guardedness of the other. This is not easy work. It takes some tact and skill, and will only be accomplished after many mistakes and much backpedaling. But, as far as I can see it, this is the heart of the matter. A spiritual approach can work for this teenager if that spiritual approach honors her frustration and helps her to feel truly heard. There are certainly many seeds of inspiration in all the world religions that can help us along this path. On the other hand Scriptures tossed at the teenager like hand-grenades will just make her angrier or drive her to despair. Morals for the sake of morality (that is, without being grounded in anything solid or pragmatic) becomes just another smokescreen preventing the intimacy that this teenager craves.

At last we get to the actual nuts-and-bolts of doing this work. But describing all the actual techniques and approaches out there is beyond the scope of this post. There are just so many paths. For example, much of my approach in this post is informed by my study of Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) which was created to help couples better communicate but which has since been generalized for use in other kinds of therapy work. What is important for us then is that we have a path in the first place. There is a temptation to help others relying only on our instincts and our empathy, but such an approach lacks any real goals and any real methods that can be tested and shaped by experience. A person can play a videogame and receive some inkling of what it is like to fly an airplane, but they would be utterly lost in the cockpit of a real fighter jet. So for some this may mean developing a spiritual approach, studying the pastoral skills of many successful spiritual teachers that have lived all through history. For others this may mean studying things like EFT or other therapy models, even if they are not mental health workers specifically. Whatever way you decide to go it is essential to have some real honesty with yourself about this path, and to spend real conscious energy on preparation.

The opposite of love is the making of assumptions. When we give up the process of pursuing and discovering we have closed off all the real channels of communication…

Perhaps I have gotten a little away from the original question given to me. So before I finish I want to consider how a person who has a more spiritual approach to helping others might help someone like this teenager who has received some form of religious injury. At the start it appears to be a daunting problem, trying to use spirituality to heal spiritual alienation. I personally believe that what I have described about emotional honesty already in this post is essential if we are going to try and accomplish this. That emotional honesty begins with us as the spiritual helpers.

Consider our hypothetical father from earlier in this post. He is not yet able to fully understand why his daughter’s attitude hurts him so. He does not yet understand that he feels betrayed by her. As a result he throws his religion at her like a weapon trying to subdue her without being fully aware of why he is even so furious.

Can spirituality help heal spiritual alienation?

Are we similarly ignorant of the beginnings of our own spiritual work? What is it that put us on this path of being spiritual helpers in the first place? Of course many will answer that they were “ordained by God,” and this is certainly true, but it is not the whole answer. It is not enough. I have become a counselor interested in emotional honesty myself because emotional honesty was difficult to come by in my family growing up. I could say that God turned that difficulty into a calling in my life, but sticking too closely to that perspective can lead me to easily gloss over the painful details of my own history. And just like that I can find myself furious at dishonest clients, not knowing why, not caring why, using my counseling skills to hammer instead of heal. So I ask again, what has brought you to this path and to your particular spiritual perspective?

Next this emotional honesty must be extended to the teenager we are working with, but let us not get ahead of ourselves. This emotional honesty is not just about the teenager but is between us as helpers and the teenager herself. We must become aware of where the teenager is at in her life. We must learn her way of thinking and feeling, her way of understanding the world and her place in the world, as well as her history. We must exercise our spiritual love. A thing cannot be loved if it is not known, and love naturally drives us to learn all we can about the beloved. In this case then it is useful to remember that the opposite of love is not hatred. The opposite of love is the making of assumptions. When we give up the process of pursuing and discovering we have closed off all the real channels of communication between us and the teenager. She will feel this and respond in kind.

I wish I had all the time in the world to fully explore all of these topics and ideas, but I must cut it off at this point. As always I encourage you to take what is good in what I have written here and leave the rest. Also, feel free to tell me your own thoughts on all of this. I am always interested in hearing about the experiences and perspectives of others, especially since I am just starting off with all of this myself.

Thank you again Anesa for your great questions. I hope this at least a good start to finding the answers. For those of you interested in reading a more narrative exploration of these themes feel free to purchase Anesa’s latest book Our Orbit now available on Amazon.

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The links below provide  helpful information on addiction and recovery.

Visit the Harvard Help Guide   

Visit SoberNation

Visit Parent Treatment Advocates

Visit Gabbertsite from mental health counselor Gail Gabbert

And here’s a recent article from the New York Times on teenagers discussing what might have stopped them from using drugs.

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Thank you so much for visiting my blog today! Feel free to nose about the website and let me know if you like what you see, or if you have suggestions. You can reach me by leaving a comment in the box below or by clicking the Contact link at upper right  (or just click here). Consider subscribing to my blog or newsletter. And stop by again soon!

A Letter To Christians In Indiana, From Jesus

A Letter To Christians In Indiana, From Jesus

stock-footage-writing-a-letter-close-upSeveral topics drive the story of my novel Our Orbit. Discrimination and religious issues play a major role in the plot. To open the way for conversation on these matters, I offer the following guest post from the blog of John Pavlovitz, Stuff That Needs to Be Said, first published on March 28, 2015. John wrote this piece in response to Governor Mike Pence’s signing of Indiana’s “Freedom to Discriminate” Bill. Although much has changed in the months since, notably the recent Supreme Court decision on same-sex marriage, John’s essay reminds me that we humans have a ways to go in terms of accepting ourselves, our common interests, and one another.

John Pavlovitz writes—

Dear Christians In Indiana (and those elsewhere, who might read this),

I’ve seen what’s been going on there lately. Actually, I’ve been watching you all along and I really need to let you know something, just in case you misunderstand:

This isn’t what I had planned.

This wasn’t the Church I set the table for.

It wasn’t the dream I had for you, when I spoke in those parables about the Kingdom; about my Kingdom.

It was all supposed to be so very different.

It was supposed to be a pervasive, beautiful, relentless “yeast in the dough” that permeated the planet; an unstoppable virus of compassion and mercy spread person-to-person, not needing government or law or force.

It was supposed to be that smallest, seemingly most insignificant of seeds, exploding steadily and gloriously with the realized potential of my sacred presence, becoming a place of safety and shelter for all people.

It was supposed to be something so very precious, such an obvious, invaluable treasure, that it would make all those who discovered and experienced it, feel like it was worth selling everything they had to hold onto it.

It was supposed my very body, here in your very flesh.

You were designed to do this, to be this.

My kindness, my goodness, my forgiveness; you were created to be the method of transportation for all of it.

You were made to deliver the greatest good news to a world so desperate for it.

This wild, extravagant, world-altering love I have for my people, was intended to travel from my aching heart, through your trembling hands, to my hurting people.

This has always been your calling. It has always been your purpose.

It still is. This very second it is.

I have placed you here at this exact place and time in the history of creation, not to defend me, as I need no defense; not to protect me, since I have already willingly laid my life down; not to judge others on my behalf, as this is far beyond your capacity and my instruction.

My beloved, I placed you here, not to defend or protect or replace me, but simply toreflect me.

That has always been my most critical commandment and your most pressing obligation; loving God and loving others. I thought that I was clear on that, when I was asked this before.

I showed you how to move in this world.

I kept company with priests and with prostitutes. I touched lepers and washed feet and dined with sinners, both notorious and covert. I served miraculous free meals to starving masses, and I allowed myself to be touched and kissed and betrayed and slandered and beaten and murdered… and I never protested.

All that is happening these days, all the posturing and the debating and the complaining; does this really look like love to you? 

Do you really think that the grandstanding and the insult-slinging and the side-choosing, that it feels like me?

Do you truly believe that the result of your labors here in these days, is a Church that clearly perpetuates my character in the world?

Is this the Gospel I entrusted you with? 

To be honest with you, I simply don’t see it.

How did you drift so far from the mission?

How did you become so angry, so combative, so petty, so arrogant, so entitled?

When did you begin writing your own script for this story?

When did you turn it into your story?

My children, here’s what you may not realize, being as close as you are to all of this. You may not be able to see it clearly anymore.

You certainly don’t have the perspective that I do, and here from my vantage point, this is what I do see:

You are driving people from me.

You have become an unbreachable barrier between myself and those who most need me.

You are leaving a legacy of damage and pain and isolation in your path.

You are testifying loudly, not to my love, but to your preference.

You are winning these little violent battles, and you are losing people; not to Hell or to Sin, but to all of the places outside of you, where they go to receive the kindness and decency and goodness that you should be showing them.

This life is not about your right to refuse anyone. If I wanted to avoid serving those I found moral faults with, I would have skipped the planet altogether.

I came to serve.

Your faith in me, cannot be an escape clause to avoid imitating me. 

Asserting your rights, was never greater than following my example.

Your religious freedom, never more important than loving the least. 

Your central cause, should be relentlessly conforming to my likeness, despite the inconvenience and discomfort that it brings.

When I commanded you to deny yourself, I was speaking about the times when it is most difficult to do so, because that is when “self” is the most distracting, the most dangerous, the most like an idol.

Obedience to me, usually comes with sacrifice to you.

I can’t force you to reflect upon these words, and I can’t make you live as I lived or love as I love. This was never the way I worked or will ever work.

I can only tell you that you have surely drifted from the course I started you on, and as often is the case in long journeys, it is a divergence that unfolds by the smallest of degrees, almost imperceptible while it’s happening.

That is why what feels like victory to you, is really another slight but definite movement away from me, and from the reason you are really here at all.

Not long after I walked the planet, as my Church was just beginning to blossom and my Kingdom was truly breaking out, a Greek writer named Aristides, wrote these words about those who bore my name then:

“It is the Christians, O Emperor, who have sought and found the truth, for they acknowledge God. They do not keep for themselves the goods entrusted to them. They do not covet what belongs to others. They show love to their neighbours. They do not do to another what they would not wish to have done to themselves. They speak gently to those who oppress them, and in this way they make them their friends. It has become their passion to do good to their enemies.

They live in the awareness of their smallness.

Every one of them who has anything gives ungrudgingly to the one who has nothing. If they see a travelling stranger, they bring him under their roof. They rejoice over him as over a real brother, for they do not call one another brothers after the flesh, but they know they are brothers in the Spirit and in God. If they hear that one of them is imprisoned or oppressed for the sake of Christ, they take care of all his needs. If possible they set him free. If anyone among them is poor or comes into want while they themselves have nothing to spare, they fast two or three days for him. In this way they can supply any poor man with the food he needs. This, O Emperor, is the rule of life of the Christians, and this is their manner of life.” *
                                                                                                                                                                                         – Aristides, 137 AD

* taken from Jesus For President, By Shane Claiborne and Chris Haw

To the Christians in Indiana, and those beyond who are still listening today; you would do well to hold these words up daily as a mirror to your individual lives, and to the expression of me that you make together in this place.

Is this what you see when you look at yourself?

Is this what the world sees when it looks at you?

In your words and in your ways, Church; do they see me?

If not, then regardless of how it seems to you, you haven’t won anything.

May this be truth, that truly sets you free. 

~ ~ ~ ~ 

 

Visit the blog of John Pavlovitz — Stuff That Needs to Be Said

 

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Many thanks for visiting my blog today! Please browse the website and let me know if you like what you see, or if you have suggestions. You can reach me by leaving a comment in the box below or by clicking the Contact link at upper right  (or just click here). Consider subscribing to my blog or newsletter. And stop by again soon!

 

Dancers in the Wheat

Dancers in the Wheat

Summer memories—or memories in the making—become more golden as the years reel in. Here’s one that is especially precious to me, an excerpt from my first self-published book, To Boldly Go: Essays for the turning years. The events recounted in “Dancers in the Wheat” date back before the days of GPS and cell phones. Please imagine a remote corner of the Great Plains with no motels and few signposts. And in case you’re wondering, yes—the title is a deliberate riff on Catcher in the Rye.

A photograph shows a bright blue sky with passing white clouds over a golden field of ripe grain.

…Under a wind-scoured Kansas sky, blue and gold with post-thunderstorm sun, Jaak and I headed west on US Highway 50 into the shortgrass country near Dodge City. Here we turned north to locate an old friend I’d last seen twelve years ago, when she and I both still lived in the eastern part of the state. I knew from letters that Linda now resided on a farm near the Nebraska border. It proved impossible to reach her by phone, but in Wichita, I spoke with her mother who assured me Linda would be glad for us to visit.

As students of anthropology at Emporia State University, Linda and her husband Bryce worked among the Southern Cheyenne and became adopted members of that nation. They choose to live outside the mainstream of American culture. They make their home in a sparsely populated region on land Bryce’s German ancestors homesteaded a century ago. Returning to some of his grandfathers’ ways, Bryce has let the years of “chemical enhancement” fade from the soil and now practices organic farming. He sits on the Board of Certification for the Organic Growers of America. Linda teaches at Colby Community College and manages their unconventional household.

Together Linda and Bryce home-birthed four children and continue to homeschool them, encouraging independent thinking and resistance to consumerism. They have no television and got a computer with internet access only two years ago (a gift from Bryce’s mother). Of course, the children also work on the farm, which produces beef, milk, chickens, turkeys, honey, and strawberries—all primarily for home consumption—as well as the main cash crop, organic wheat.

Despite high winds and hail the previous night, which broke windows and flattened fields on their farm, Linda and Bryce took time from chores to meet us outside the tiny town of Jennings. They took us on a tour of places Linda visits with her students for a class she calls “The Great Plains Experience.” We saw the now-vacant one-room school that children of Czech and German settlers attended through the eighth grade as well as cottonwood draws and upland sites where remains of mammoths have been unearthed. Most prized are remains found alongside stone tools, which some consider proof that the land has supported human habitation for at least ten millennia.

Bryce says, “Half the farmers in this county have mammoth teeth stashed in a box in the barn. What’s rare is to find them with clear signs of human life.”

“People didn’t leave a lot of signs,” Linda explains. “That’s a mark of sustainability—an efficient ecosystem.”

These are controversial matters. Not unlike the Boers of South Africa, some residents here prefer to believe the prairie wilderness was uninhabited when their ancestors arrived. Popular history, which my friends dispute, asserts that marauding bands of Cheyenne warriors invaded from the north to massacre peaceable white farmers. It’s a belief that’s used to dismiss native claims to the land throughout northwest Kansas.

A photo shows a line of Cheyenne grass dancers in costume for competition at the 2007 National Pow Wow

2007 National Pow Wow, Grass Dancers, Washington, DC.

“In fact, they had always hunted here,” Linda says. “And there’s evidence of managed horticulture from before the days of the horse. This land was sacred for a long time.”

She explains that members of her adoptive family make annual trips from Oklahoma to Bear Butte in South Dakota to maintain centuries-old rituals. “When the people come up this way, they sometimes stop for groceries or gas. They may need to find some local plants or special rocks. Or to see a particular place and take care of it personally. They don’t want locals to be afraid of them or hate them when they do these things.”

Linda shares these views with her students, some of whom find the Cheyenne-friendly perspective challenging.

“It’s the same with people who give you bad looks when you start raising buffalo,” Bryce says. He recently bought a pair of the animals at auction in Oklahoma. “Indians are supposed to be part of the distant past. But if the buffalo can start coming back, then you-know-who might not be far behind.”

Linda exclaims, “Whatever happened to Earth Day? What happened to civil rights?”

“People get distracted,” Jaak says. “They need reminding.”

In the course of our almost twelve-hour talk, Linda and Bryce also discussed midwifery, wood-burning stoves, biodynamic methods, and depletion of the Ogallala Aquifer. In fact, they talked like they would never shut up! Like they were starved for intellectual conversation, as Jaak said later.

I kept a low profile. Writing a dissertation on Russian literature or failing to publish a novel didn’t seem nearly so compelling as joining the Cheyenne Nation and advocating on the front lines of cultural conflict. But finally, as the evening wound on, I found a way to capture everyone’s attention, thanks to the charms of Memory Lane.

“Remember that time we danced in the wheat field?” I asked.

Historic Logo of Wichita, Kansas, courtesy KS Historical SocietyWhen Linda and I were nineteen years old, we lived together for a summer in a one-bedroom cottage on the back lot behind an old rooming house in downtown Wichita. In those days, we were both vegetarians (a practice Linda maintained until she and Bryce began raising their own grass-fed beef). Linda and I also baked our own bread, composted all biodegradable wastes, and picked up aluminum cans for recycling whenever we found them littering the streets of our neighborhood.

We may sound like ultra-serious young women, but when Linda’s birthday came along, we were ready to cut loose. At my parents’ house, in their well-stocked kitchen, I baked a carrot cake and swiped a bottle of wine. I remember it was called Vin Rosé d’Anjou and came in a shapely bottle we cherished as a vase for months afterward.

I refused to drive a car at that righteous time of life, so a friend picked me up and helped bring the refreshments downtown where Linda was due home from work, suspecting nothing. Most of our old crowd was unavailable—working nights or gone to Oregon—but one close pal named Nell was back in town after a year at Oberlin College as a violin performance major. Nell held the rest of us in awe because her family came from Boston and were all accomplished musicians. Her appearance for Linda’s party would be part of the surprise.

I told Nell to be sure to bring her violin.

First off, a mishap. When we got downtown, I cleverly placed the carrot cake—an elegant layered and frosted affair—on the sidewalk while unloading other things from Nell’s car. She managed to find the cake with her foot, leaving a rounded heel mark down one side, like a cookie with one bite gone. I was distraught, but Nell couldn’t stop laughing. Her humor set a tone of high spirits for the evening.

Linda was taken completely unawares. Delight and amazement covered her face when we shouted, “Surprise!”

“I’m sorry I stepped on your cake!” Nell gasped between guffaws.

Not that the footprint kept us from eating it. We devoured large portions, drained the wine, and demanded gypsy music. Nell broke out her violin and played waltzes, while Linda and I danced around our tiny house. When the mood called for moving on, instead of more drinking (back then Kansans enjoyed the privilege of buying 3.2 beer at age eighteen), we decided to drive out to the country.

Photograph of a full moon amid passing clouds

It was a lovely summer night. A full moon reflected off sparse clouds. Nell parked on the side of a graded sand road by a hedge of Osage orange. We sat on the hood of the car, basking in silver light.

“Play another song,” Linda said. “Let’s hear what it sounds like, here in the open.”

A 19th century black-on-white silhouette drawing of PaganiniNell treated us to a mazurka. It was so inspiring, Linda and I drifted into the wheat field across the road. I don’t know who started it, but first we slipped off our shirts, then our bras, then our jeans. We glided between thigh-high rows of grain, brushing seed-beards with our fingertips. When she finished playing, Nell joined the fun. Our skins tanned an impossible bluish gold, we danced to a tune that lingered over the field, singing snatches of melody.

I think I was first to catch the flash of a shifting light beyond the hill nearby. I called to the others, “Look out—a car!”

“Hit the dirt!” Linda cried.

A pick-up crested the rise to the east and came rattling over sand. We crouched as low as we could, bare skin braving the raspy stems of nearly ripened wheat. We had danced our way well back from the road, but there was Nell’s car by the hedge—testimony for the curious that someone must be close by.

“Shit,” Nell hissed. “My violin…”

She had left it on the hood of the car. It lay in the open case by the near fender.

Did Nature lead us astray with moonshine drunkenness? Was comeuppance in store for immodest young women trespassing on farmland? We couldn’t make out figures in the pick-up, but they obviously took an interest. They rolled to a stop, lingered long minutes, no doubt wondering whose car that could be and where the occupants had gone.

In spite of anxiety, hunkered naked in the field, we struggled to keep our laughter below the hearing range. At least, two of us did. Linda and I leaned together, shaking with the effort. Maybe I gloated a little at Nell for making light of the damage to my fancy cake. Understandably, she saw less humor with a valuable instrument on the line.

We all peered to see if these were the kind of people to molest a carelessly reposing violin.

Lucky for us, and for this cherished memory, they were a better kind.

“So that’s about it.” I concluded the story for Linda and our husbands, who were hearing of that birthday celebration some twenty-five years ago for the first time. “Once that car drove off, we figured it was time to get dressed. But didn’t we wind up leaving some undies behind?”

“Yeah,” Linda said, “we couldn’t find everything scattered in the dark.”

Bryce cracked a toothy smile. A grizzled German-Cheyenne farmer’s grudging smile after a damaging hail storm.

I was so happy to give him a moment’s cheer.

It was full dark when Bryce and Linda drove us back to Jennings, where Jaak and I had left our car. We said good-bye under the Milky Way with exchanges of hugs, heartfelt good wishes, and promises to keep in touch. From there, Jaak and I journeyed on to Colorado. Further stops on our trip included Rocky Mountain National Park, Mount Rushmore, and the Black Hills. But nothing impressed me like the time we spent catching up with old friends, renewing contact with the ways of life they’ve chosen to follow.

 

A drawing of wheat ears blowing in the wind against a bright lowering sunI guess this is the best I can do to account for why I’ve turned down the thermostat, joined a food co-op, and started recycling things they don’t even pick up at the curb. That visit to my homeland, emerging onto the blue landscape of sky over grass and listening for the songs of youth—it worked a magic that gives joy, as well as a bit of a guilt trip. There are so many ways to honor the places we love, it’s tragic if we don’t at least embrace the ones that cost only minor sacrifice.

And then I heard the Ohio Department of Transportation wants to pave miles of farmland to widen a highway that parallels the Turnpike. But don’t get me started on that…

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To hear a reading of another excerpt from To Boldly Go: Essays for the turning years, click here.

Many thanks for visiting my blog today! Please browse the website and let me know if you like what you see, or if you have suggestions. You can reach me by leaving a comment in the box below or by clicking the Contact link at upper right  (or just click here). Consider subscribing to my blog or newsletter. And  stop by again soon!

It’s About the Kids

It’s About the Kids

The topic of child welfare looms large in my novel  Our Orbit,  which  tells the story of an Appalachian girl  who crosses the tracks to become foster daughter to an educated family. Love and conflict ensue as many social issues of our time raise their sometimes ugly heads. In gratitude to those who helped me learn about the many demands and great rewards of foster care, I continue to share information on this topic.

Many thanks to today’s guest poster, Teresa Devroe Brown, a foster, adoptive, and bio mom as well as an active blogger. The following is an edited version of her blog post dated 1/10/11—

Our family entered the world of foster care in the Fall of 2003. Since that time, we have had 17 children placed in our home and provided short term respite for around 20 other children.

So much has changed in our lives since that first placement.

bigeyeboyWe have seen scared children dropped off at our home, owning only the clothes on their backs.

We have attended more medical appointments and evaluations than I can count (one child alone had over 250 such appointments while in our care!).

We have helped establish IEP goals for the children in school.

We have cared for two very medically fragile children.

We have worked with numerous counties, caseworkers, CASA’s and biological parents.

We have cared for children with more labels than we knew existed: ADD, ADHD, OCD, ODD,eating disorders, “crack baby,” PTSD, attachment disorders, fetal alcohol syndrome, poly-drug exposure, MRSA, skin problems, breathing problems, severe visual problems and cognitive delays, to name a few.

We dropped children off at numerous visits with their biological families, some welcomed and some “kicking and screaming” (literally) on the way there.

We have brought countless children to a scheduled visit with their families, only to have them sent back to us after waiting in a lobby for 30 minutes, telling us, “Mom (or Dad) couldn’t make it today!”

We have endured countless hours of logging the daily activities of these children to turn into the foster care agency.

We have agonized as children have had to live in two worlds, “our world” and “their world” at home. Living with us under our parenting principles and guidelines, yet “visiting” their parents under their worldviews, all the while trying to sort out and reconcile some of the comforts and security of living with us, yet their fierce and understandable loyalty to their own family.

We have sat through court hearings where decisions were clearly made “in the best interest of the biological parent,” not “the best interest of the child,” which is why the child was removed from the home in the first place.

We have watched little girls take their first dance lessons, young boys hit their first ball in Little League, teen boys get ready for their first football practice, teen girls make the basketball team and little ones memorize Bible verses for AWANA.

We have been there when a little child woke up from surgery.

We have spent countless hours creating “LifeBooks” for each child, a forever memory and keepsake of pictures to record their time with our family

We have watched two siblings leave our home after living with us for two years. Their new “forever family” snapped them into their van with a little U-Haul attached to bring all their belongings to their new home.

We have watched four kids successfully reunite with their biological parents and four others who were able to live with a relative. We have seen three children get adopted into great Christian homes, ready to start their new lives with their “Forever Family.”

And we sat through a court hearing where one of these children became our legal son.

We have seen our biological children learn firsthand about the many injustices in this world and that “family” is not always a safe and loving place or feeling. They have learned to share their space, their things, their parents and their hearts with the many children who have come and gone from our lives.

They watched a young teen Mom as she tried to manage school and an infant son while they went to the movies with their friends. They have seen the impact of raising children with no boundaries and no consequences. They have seen the hardships of being cared for by a mentally ill Mom.

And our oldest, Lauren, just graduated with her degree in Social Work and now works for Children’s Services in her county. She has seen firsthand both the benefits and the problems with our child welfare system. And she wants to remain committed to caring for the abused and the neglected.

Several years ago, in one of her college application essays, she responded to the often asked questions of, “How do you guys do it? I could never do foster care. I would get too attached to the kids. I could never give them up.” Her heartfelt response? “It is not about how we feel. It is about the kids!”

Our children have developed a real heart for the hurting in this world.

And they have thoroughly embraced, Jameson, their adopted brother.

But with all the many joys and victories we have experienced, there has also been much heartache.

Heartache over children leaving our home only to “age out” of the foster care system and be forever “on their own” and without a family to call their own.

We have personally experienced the scrutiny of county caseworkers who think we should silently “do what we are told” by “the system,” oftentimes to the detriment of the very children we are caring for.

Even when we disagree with the details of the case plan, we try to care for and love these children for as long as they are in our home. We help bathe these children. And read to them. And help them with their homework. And take them to appointments. And pack their lunches. And love them.

So today, I will trust in the One Who has called me to this life. I will choose to remain steadfast in Him. I will ask Him to help me lovingly care for these children. And to graciously forgive their families who have inflicted so much pain on them.

saygoodbyeToday, I will braid the hair of a child who is not my own. I will take her to dance class. And cheerleading practice. I will eagerly wait for another one to come home from her basketball game. I will listen to whatever she is willing to tell me about her day and the game (she won’t say much).

Today, I will pay extra attention to my adopted son. I will pause and remember what a great responsibility it has been to parent him. I will revel in how far he has come. I will count it a privilege to be his Mom.

And I will grieve for his Birth Mother and wonder how she is doing. Does she think of him? Did her heart feel a little empty on Mother’s Day? Would she be so proud to see him now?

And when there are hard days in our foster and adoptive world, I will heed the words of my wise-beyond-her-years daughter, “It is not about how I feel. It is about the kids.”

James 1:27 “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

Lord, may my faith be pure and faultless today!

~ ~ ~ ~

Thank you for learning about issues involved in foster care! For additional information—

Visit the official site of National Foster Care Month 2015

Visit the National Foster Parent Association.

Many thanks for visiting my blog today! Please browse the website and let me know if you like what you see, or if you have suggestions. You can reach me by leaving a comment in the box below or by clicking the Contact link at upper right  (or just click here). Consider subscribing to my blog or newsletter. And  stop by again soon!

Does Heritage Play a Role in Creativity?

Does Heritage Play a Role in Creativity?

What an Honor!

Historic Logo of Wichita, Kansas, courtesy KS Historical Society

Historic Logo of Wichita, Kansas, courtesy KS Historical Society

It was  an honor  to chat with published author Leta Hawk at her blog Hawk Happenings!  She kindly let me rattle on about Our Orbit, Ohio heritage, growing up in the “Air Capital of the World” during the Cold War, and many other topics! Visit Leta’s site and find out what comic-book spies were really up to back then!

A selection from the interview—

Anesa Miller says:  My novel, Our Orbit, embodies a lot of my own heritage in fictional form. My parents came of age in the Depression and went through some very hard times. …Over the years, I came to understand that my mother’s family moved “from pillar to post” and finally lost their home altogether.

The Midwest Warnocks in the 1930s

The Midwest Warnocks in the 1930s

 

Learning about my background was an enlightening experience. It inspired me to look deeper into genealogy and history. One of the things I discovered is that a tiny village in southeastern Ohio still bears the name of my mother’s family: Warnock village. My ancestors had a dairy farm in that region. I have since visited and found the site of their farm and the church some of them attended, not to mention a beautiful countryside! So understanding our Appalachian roots became an important part of creating the story of Our Orbit. . . .

Read the full interview at  Hawk Happenings.

Thank you, Leta!

Many thanks for visiting my blog today! Please browse the website and let me know if you like what you see, or if you have suggestions. You can reach me by leaving a comment in the box below or by clicking the Contact link at upper right  (or just click here). Consider subscribing to my blog or newsletter. And  stop by again soon!

Why This One Breaks My Heart Worst of All

Why This One Breaks My Heart Worst of All

The following does not fit with any topics I usually discuss here, except maybe “writing in general”: As a writer, it’s my duty to use words to make sense of the senseless. So for my peace of mind and for anyone else who happens by—

LongRoadBleakLandscapePlease don’t misread: I am NOT saying that one crime is worse than another. Families shot at a block party, women shot in a gym, and, certainly, children shot while they attend school—all are heinous and heartbreaking crimes. But honesty compels me to admit that, regarding some of them, I’ve learned to take refuge in comforting excuses. Only a sicko would fire upon children! Only fanatics would shoot a doctor at prayer, or dozens of teens at summer camp, or peaceful citizens at a Unitarian Church.

Something is blatantly wrong with those people. Their attitudes are certifiably outside the norm of human behavior. Psychological science might even develop a test to find and treat this illness…

These comforting excuses allow me to distance myself from such crimes. To shield myself from the pain forced upon victims’ families and witnesses. Yes, bona fide mental illness is often involved. Still, the idea of illness as a cause for crime becomes a refuge, even a delusion, that grants me a false sense of personal safety.

Avoid crazy people, and all will be fine. Sickos aren’t that hard to spot. They can be locked away.

Those comforts fail me when I hear about the attack at the Mother Emanuel Church in Charleston, South Carolina. It is tempting to call the blatant racism behind this crime “sick.” It might bring some comfort to deem the killer another lunatic, outside the norms of society.

But by all accounts, Dylann Roof made rational choices, acted methodically, considered NOT going through with his plan…and yet elected to kill. He embraced the beliefs of many older (supposedly wiser) people across the nation who’ve shown fear and disgust with the first non-white President of these United States. Never mind that this President was elected twice by large majorities of fellow citizens. Dylann Roof chose hate, and it led him to take the lives of people who, he admitted, had been kind to him.

I find no refuge from this.

True, Roof appears to be a fanatic, not unlike the murderer of Dr. George Tiller in a church in my hometown of Wichita, Kansas, back in 2009. Apparently, Roof convinced himself that black people are “taking over” America. That is strong evidence of delusional thinking, in light of recently publicized police killings of black persons, often unarmed. Not to mention disproportionate incarceration. So indeed, Roof may be mentally unstable.

But for a young person to choose such a warped view of the world, and such a pointed, intentional way to act out his hatred on innocent people…

This one breaks my heart even worse than the others.

The only possible comfort at this moment comes with the news that services went forward at Mother Emanuel yesterday. That thousands turned out on Sunday to march across the Ravenel Bridge, to show support for the victims and families. That survivors have declared, “Hate will not win,” amid their choice of forgiveness. These responses bring a glimmer of hope that outrage at this crime may strengthen the quest to overcome the gaping wounds of racism and gun violence in America.

Hope—your name is one with these good Christians who lost their lives: Tywanza Sanders, Ethel Lance, Cynthia Hurd, Rev. Sharonda Singleton, Myra Thompson, Susie Jackson, Rev. DePayne Middleton-Doctor, Rev. Clementa Pinckney and Rev. Daniel L. Simmons Sr.

Broken or not, my heart goes out to their friends and families.