by anesamiller_wuhi6k | May 26, 2015 | Blog, National Foster Care Month
The topic of child welfare looms large in my novel Our Orbit, which tells the story of an Appalachian girl who crosses the tracks to become foster daughter to an educated family. Love and conflict ensue as all the burning social issues of our time raise their sometimes ugly heads. In gratitude to those who helped me learn about the many demands and great rewards of foster care, I am sharing information on this topic throughout the month of May 2015, National Foster Care Month.
From the website of the Wisconsin Coalition for Children, Youth & Families—
Forgiveness is a concept that can be challenging to understand and put into practice, especially for children. Just like you teach most skills, starting early and using repetition are keys to success. Forgiveness is no exception.
Kids playing with water from hydrant, Lower East Side, 1978
When children are able to learn these skills, it will become ingrained within them, which will help them to be able to move forward in life.
Dag Hammarskjold, winner of the Nobel Peace prize and Secretary to the UN wrote, “Forgiveness is the answer to the child’s dream of a miracle by which what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is again made clean.”
Many adopted and foster children who have been adopted from the foster care system and some orphanages have histories that include being “broken” and “soiled,” as Hammarskold says. Forgiveness gives them the opportunity to look to the future and make “clean” their past.
The facts of their past remain, but their future can still be influenced with opportunities to make positive choices. As parents, you can slowly help them let go and move on.
David Pelzer, author and survivor of one of the worst cases of abuse in California’s history, wrote in his third book A Man Named Dave: A Story of Triumph and Forgiveness that “the answer for all victims of abuse is compassion and forgiveness.”
When we allow our children to live without forgiving others, it affects their physical, psychological, and spiritual lives.
Forgiveness can be simply the decrease in negative thoughts, feelings, and actions toward another. As you continue to talk about and practice forgiveness, there will be a gradual increase to more positive thinking, feeling, and acting which lends to healthier children who become healthier adults.
To continue reading on the website of the Coalition for Children, Youth & Families, click here.
Thank you for learning about issues involved in foster care! For additional information—
Visit the official site of National Foster Care Month 2015. That’s right now!
Visit the National Foster Parent Association.
And feel free to share your insights in the “Comments” section below.
by anesamiller_wuhi6k | May 22, 2015 | Blog, National Foster Care Month
From “Loving Little Arrows”
The topic of child welfare looms large in my novel Our Orbit, which tells the story of an Appalachian girl who crosses the tracks to become foster daughter to an educated family. Love and conflict ensue as all the burning social issues of our time raise their sometimes ugly heads. In gratitude to those who helped me learn about the many demands and great rewards of foster care, I am sharing information on this topic throughout the month of May 2015, National Foster Care Month.
The following guest post is from Loving Little Arrows 3/28/15, the blog of Mackenzie, “a Jesus lover, wife, bio-mom of two, and a foster mom to many more.” Many thanks to Mackenzie for sharing this deeply touching perspective.
The Other Woman He Calls Mommy—
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:7
My last post was about how thankful I am that in this moment I am J’s Mommy. I felt it only fitting to share my heart on the other woman he calls Mommy.
Before we ever received a phone call asking us to take a little on into our home, I prayed and prepared myself to speak lovingly over a woman I would likely hate. I was certain that with loving my new child would come anger towards the one who had failed him and caused him so much pain. Never the less, I was determined that I was going to love this woman.
And if I couldn’t, I was at least going to speak lovingly about her to the child who loved her. I truly am a believer that, whenever possible, reunification is the best option. I can only imagine that parenting through CPS can be discouraging, and I wanted to be the encourager. I wanted to keep pushing her forward and assuring her that she could make the changes necessary to bring her child back to a safe and loving home.
This scenario that has played out in my head, where I would grit my teeth and through the grace of God love an unloveable woman.. Well, it didn’t turn out to be our reality.
From the moment J arrived my heart soften toward’s his mom. I was shocked by the amount of belonging that arrived with J, as it’s common for children in foster care to arrive at your home with the clothes they are wearing and possible a small garbage bag. As we signed papers that night, accepting our rolls as his parents, his case worker told us that his mom had been very cooperative and had asked if she would be allowed to meet us during his first visitation with her. She was scared, and wanted to know her baby was safe.
While it hasn’t been without tension, our relationship has only improved since then. I’m shocked at how easily I love the woman I was sure I would hate. I’m shocked by the amount of compassion and forgiveness I feel towards her.
The first letter she wrote to me thanked me for caring for J, she too has a softer heart towards me than she expected, and explaining how much she loves him. The letter had pages full of all the things J likes, many of which i’d already began to figure out – It was reassuring to see how well she knew her son. I’ve watched her walk to visits that were scheduled during a time that her car wasn’t available – this is to an office that is at least 3 miles from her house, and she’s always early. She buys him special chap-stick and hair products, little things that have impacted me. We have had several conversations while we sit in the waiting area waiting for the visitation supervisor to take them back into a room for their time together.
Often, I catch myself wondering when the other shoe will drop… Waiting for things to suddenly go south and to realize this is all just an act. When I catch myself in this place, I quickly bring myself back to where God wants me – that is, trusting Him, and extending unreserved grace and love towards her.
J’s mom is not a secret subject in our home. We have pictures of her framed in J’s room, we talk about and pray over her daily. Please don’t think that I am excusing her part in what J has been through. But neither my physical nor spiritual job title is “judge,” there are those who will examine the case and determine the consequences, but that is not me. What I am doing is believing in the power of God to redeem, and believing in a redemption story for this family. Ultimately I pray that God’s hand will help everyone who is involved in this case to paint the story He has willed for J’s life.
* * * *
For additional information—
Visit the official site of National Foster Care Month 2015. That’s right now!
Visit the National Foster Parent Association.
And feel free to share your insights in the “Comments” section below.
by anesamiller_wuhi6k | May 15, 2015 | Blog, National Foster Care Month
The topic of child welfare looms large in my novel Our Orbit. It tells the story of an Appalachian girl who crosses the tracks to become foster daughter to an educated family. Love and conflict ensue as all the burning social issues of our time raise their sometimes ugly heads. In gratitude to those who helped me learn about the many demands and great rewards of foster care, I am sharing information on this topic throughout the month of May 2015, National Foster Care Month.
~ ~ ~ ~
“Cherub Mama” is a blogger and a work-at-home mom of bio and foster children. When I went browsing her blog to look for information on family reunification, I stumbled on this brief post. It is practical, to-the-point, and yet I found her words deeply moving. So much is said between the lines. Foster children’s visits to non-custodial parents can be fraught with emotion, but this blogger explains their fundamental purpose.
my thoughts on visits
The goal of foster care is (almost) always reunification. Even if the State determines that the biological parent(s) is not safe, a family member is always preferred over non-relative adoption. The goal is to keep families together.
Most of the time that is a very good goal!!!
Please don’t go in to foster care if you’re not willing to support reunification. Because this stuff is hard. Super hard. Crazy hard. But it’s necessary.
Here are my thoughts on visits. A metaphor if you will. And I don’t take credit for this idea, but for the life of me I have no idea where I heard it first.
Visits are the equivalent of ripping a band-aid off a wound so you can keep it raw.
Imagine if you will…their family tree. Each member is a branch. When the children were removed from Wendy (Bio Mom), their branches were cut off their tree. They were separated from what kept them alive. My family welcomed them into our home. They’re Red Delicious. We’re Granny Smith. But we’re all apple trees and my tree can keep their branches alive.
However, the goal is for their branches to get grafted back on to THEIR tree. They aren’t supposed to attach to our tree forever. So we have to keep the wounds raw. We don’t want the kids’ branches to dry off and die. They do have to attach to us. But they can’t attach permanently. We have to continually keep the end of their branch wet and raw so they can attach back to their Red Delicious tree (or at least to a tree in their orchard) when it’s safe.
Every visit keeps that wound open and raw so the ultimate goal of reunification can take place.
These cherubs came to my home a month ago. We’ve had one month for them to get used to our orchard. We’ve nourished their branches and given them all they need to be strong, healthy and to grow.
Today we get to rip that grafting tape off and send them back to their original tree for a visit.
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Visit the National Foster Care Month website.
Visit Cherub Mamma’s blog.
Find her on Facebook.
Read Welcome to the Roller Coaster, a book that she helped create with a group of fellow foster mothers as a fundraiser for their children.
by anesamiller_wuhi6k | May 12, 2015 | Blog, National Foster Care Month
Learning to care for others
The topic of child welfare looms large in my novel Our Orbit. It tells the story of an Appalachian girl who crosses the tracks to become foster daughter to an educated family. Love and conflict ensue as all the burning social issues of our time raise their sometimes ugly heads. In gratitude to those who helped me learn about the many demands and great rewards of foster care, I am sharing information on this topic throughout the month of May 2015, National Foster Care Month.
From the website of the Wisconsin Coalition for Children, Youth & Families—
Wanted: Special families for special kids—take the challenge through foster care.
The ad caught your eye. You have been thinking about doing foster care for a long time. You think you want to commit yourself and your family to fostering a child. But how do you involve your kids in the decision making and prepare them for the addition of a foster youth? Whether your kids live at home with you, or are out on their own, listen to their thoughts and ideas about fostering.
Talk about Foster Care
Depending upon the age and maturity of your children, the first step to making a decision about family foster care is to have a discussion with your kids. Kids may have many questions about the youth that are in foster care.
Eventually, your family will want to discuss what ages, gender, and types of kids fit best for your family. Have a family meeting and talk about the special needs of kids in foster care. What abilities and skills do family members have to help meet these needs? Consider discussing the following topics:
Purpose of foster care. Foster care provides kids the care they need (such as getting medical treatment, counseling, living in a safe home, exposing kids to healthy family life, supporting kids to attend school) for positive changes to happen for the child and their family. Kids in foster care can often be reunited with their family or sometimes adopted.
Types of kids in foster care. Kids come from many different circumstances. Sometimes they have experienced abuse, neglect, truancy from school, special medical and emotional needs, or may have behavior issues. Sometimes kids in foster care have no serious problems.
Situations. Many times, parents of kids in foster care are unable to take care of their children due to their own problems (drugs, alcohol, mental illness, incarceration, limited understanding or interest in being a parent, deceased parents or no family).
Behavior problems. Like all of us, some kids have no issues while some may be aggressive, quiet, hyperactive, withdrawn, immature, or fearful. They may act out sexually, hoard food, have sleeping problems or have drug and alcohol abuse issues.
To continue reading on the website of the Coalition for Children, Youth & Families, click here.
Thank you for learning about issues involved in foster care! For additional information—
Visit the official site of National Foster Care Month 2015. That’s right now!
Visit the National Foster Parent Association.
And feel free to share your insights in the “Comments” section below.
by anesamiller_wuhi6k | May 8, 2015 | Blog, National Foster Care Month
The topic of child welfare looms large in my novel Our Orbit. It tells the story of an Appalachian girl who crosses the tracks to become foster daughter to an educated family. Love and conflict ensue as all the burning social issues of our time raise their sometimes ugly heads. In gratitude to those who helped me learn about the many demands and great rewards of foster care, I am sharing information on this topic throughout the month of May 2015, National Foster Care Month.
Parents’ nightmare? In a 1976 photo, famed “girl” band, The Runaways, show attitude.
Today’s very insightful post comes from blogger, bio & foster mom, Jill Rippy. Her words brought tears to my eyes. Based on personal experience, a teen foster child tends to become the central figure in much of my writing. Visit an example here of what can seem so frightening about these “characters,” whether real or fictional. Then get the true story from Jill.
By Jill Rippy
Scary, emotional, unpredictable, scheming, hormone driven, false accusation making, window jumping runaways…who could I possibly be referring to? Teenage girls in foster care?
These frightening beasts are without a doubt, the most feared children in the foster world. I mean after all, don’t you know, they all are pretty scary. And every single one of them has made a false accusation. All they do is cry all the time and plot revenge. They are out to destroy everyone around them with their rage and emotional instability. Right?
The phone rings. It’s child services and they are asking you to take this teen girl. Instantly, your mind takes you back to the first time you watched the movie Carrie. Your mind fills with visions of teen girl rage and telepathic fire balls flying through the air. As you envision your house being destroyed with a single fiery look from your imaginary foster Carrie, you are filled with angst, fear and doubt. So you tell them no.
I get it my friends. I really do. There was a time when I thought I’d never welcome a teen girl into my home. The thought was frightening and in my mind, it wasn’t even an option.
Fast forward many years, many foster children and many age ranges later and now, we only foster teen girls…at least for now. I add that disclaimer because our preferences have changed over the years (and they may change again), but we find that our personalities, skills and dispositions are a great fit for fostering teen girls.
10 Things You Need to Know About Teen Girls in Foster Care
10. They are a lot of fun. When my teen girls are in the kitchen together, the laughter, snorts, silliness and antics are music to my ears. Humor is our best tool. Quick wit, corny jokes and being able to laugh at yourself will take you far with teen girls.
9. They are relational. Teen girls provide an odd dynamic. At times they hide in their room for hours on end having Gossip Girl or Chopped marathons. When they decide to come up for air (or food) and they come sit with us, we know that wanting to watch something with the parentals really means they need to be close to someone.
They also crave stories. We tell stories from our pasts. We are vulnerable with sharing our mistakes of our teen years and in return, strong bonds form and they don’t feel so bad about the choices they have made in the past. They are able to reason and you can have in depth, enjoyable conversations. Teen girls are great company and genuinely interesting creatures. No doubt, they have many things to teach you as well.
8. They want to be accepted. Many teen girls in foster care have been victims of bullying for one reason or another. Being bullied hardens a child. Chiseling away at that hard exterior takes time, but genuine affirmations go a long way and no doubt, you will see positive, slow change in a short amount of time.
7. They are protective. Once she loves you, she will have your back. She will see your heart and how much you want to support, love and help her and she won’t let anyone speak an ill word of these new parents that love her. Another teen sassing you? Your imaginary Carrie might surface for a second.
6. They are forgiving. Teen girls expect fairness. An apology really can fix most mundane mistakes or hurtful comments. However, if it’s not heartfelt, they will see straight through it. Apologize when you are wrong. Set the example and you will eventually get that in return.
5. They want boundaries. Most likely, she wasn’t protected by those who should have loved and cared for her the most. She wants rules that are fair. She wants consistency. She wants to please you, but she will test you now and then because she is testing your love in her own weird, teenage way. Let her set the rules and boundaries with you. Be clear, firm, but kind. She isn’t your adult equal or your roommate. You are the parent, but she is old enough and wise enough to be empowered with helping set the boundaries.
She is also terrified about the future. The thought of being on her own is a scary thought. She needs to soak up as much as she can in a fairly short amount of time and she knows this. In everything you teach and with every consequence, discuss the immediate ramifications and look into the future. What is the consequence for this behavior now and what would the consequence be if she was 19, in public or on the job? She is almost an adult and consequences for our actions magnify as adults. The world isn’t nearly as forgiving as foster parents or parents. Help her see these new perspectives and think out loud with her.
4. They know they need you. Nearly every teen we have fostered wanted to be here. Though they love their parents and families, for the most part, they are mature enough to see some truths regarding the needs of their family. Truth is, most teens don’t want to leave us. Of course, they may have moments of teen insanity just like any other teen and sure, they may throw out idle threats about leaving, but when push comes to shove, they know they need you and they want to be with you, even though they may still have pain and guilt about not being with their family.
3. They carry a badge of shame and they need your help letting it go. Shame is a big, bad demon that so many people carry. It’s a storm cloud that just follows teen girls around and rears its ugliness often. What that young lady needs to know is the day she stepped foot into your home, her slate was clean. Anything she did willingly, unwillingly, choices she made or acts she participated in are forgiven and she stepped into your home a new person. That doesn’t mean there are not legal or medical consequences for past choices, but in your eyes, she is clean, new and free of the shame of her past. This is a new start. She deserves it.
2. They aren’t that scary. They get attitudes sometimes. They might threaten to “go back home” or share some other load of attention seeking garbage, but when they are angry, leave them alone. They will work it out. Talk it out later. If you push it when she is angry, that is when beast mode kicks in. No one is at their best when they are angry.
1. They want to feel beautiful. Without a doubt, her self-esteem is in the toilet. This is true of EVERY SINGLE TEEN we have fostered. Teen girls need to be built up and have their inner and outer truths brought to light.
Buy her new clothes. Slowly encourage subtle changes. Bring special gifts home for her. A new dress, a necklace or a pair of shoes will make her day. Tell her that you thought of her when you saw it.
If she came to you with the makeup caked on, find a moment where she doesn’t have it on and tell her how naturally beautiful she is. Nonchalantly, drop a quick comment about how you’d love her see her just wear mascara one day and how she doesn’t need all that other junk. (Don’t belabor the point. Trust me, she heard you.)
More importantly, recognize her inner beauty. Notice her heart. When a song makes her cry or she turns her head toward the car window, notice. You are getting a glimpse into her soul at that very moment.
When she wants to make her mom a piece of artwork or give her a birthday gift, help her.
When she comes home upset, ask her about it. Relate to her and tell her a story from your past. Then offer suggestions for how to help the situation.
Introduce her to a positive social group like a church youth group or a teen program that offers a positive environment where she can enact change and you will see change happen before your eyes.
Don’t fear teen girls in foster care. I know the thought of welcoming a teen to your home can be a frightening thought when you have primarily fostered the littles.
If you have never fostered a teen girl, I am giving you this personal challenge. I encourage you to call your agency and share your curiosity, but also your fears. Ask to be put on the respite list if a teen girl or two need respite. Respite is a great way to try fostering different age groups without the full time commitment. However, I will caution you to not judge all teen girls by one experience. Though my experiences shared have been true of the vast majority of the teen girls we have fostered, there is no cookie cutter for teen girls. So I urge you to provide respite for several different girls.
Teen girls are filling group homes and remaining in unstable home environments with services in place because foster parents are afraid to take them. There simply are not enough homes willing to take them. Please don’t assume that all of them are broken beyond repair or will turn your life upside down. Be willing to explore the option. I think you will be pleasantly surprised with how much you enjoy being their parent. If you want to see the evidence of your hard work as a foster parent take place right before your eyes, foster a teen girl. It’s a pretty amazing thing to be their mom.
Visit The Foster Life, website of today’s guest poster, Jill Rippy.
Follow Jill on FACEBOOK: THE FOSTER LIFE and TWITTER.
Thank you for learning about issues involved in foster care! For additional information—
Visit the official site of National Foster Care Month 2015. That’s right now!
Visit the National Foster Parent Association.
And always feel free to share your insights in the “Comments” section below.
However, the goal is for their branches to get grafted back on to THEIR tree. They aren’t supposed to attach to our tree forever. So we have to keep the wounds raw. We don’t want the kids’ branches to dry off and die. They do have to attach to us. But they can’t attach permanently. We have to continually keep the end of their branch wet and raw so they can attach back to their Red Delicious tree (or at least to a tree in their orchard) when it’s safe.
Scary, emotional, unpredictable, scheming, hormone driven, false accusation making, window jumping runaways…who could I possibly be referring to? Teenage girls in foster care?