by anesamiller_wuhi6k | Jun 21, 2015 | Blog, Issues in Our Orbit -- Substance Abuse & Recovery, Substance Abuse & Recovery
Today I’m honored to present much thoughtful information in the series Issues in OUR ORBIT: Substance Abuse & Recovery. This guest post is by Gregory K. from his website Suchness: A Mental & Spiritual Health Blog. Gregory K. holds a Masters of Divinity degree and is working toward a graduate degree in counseling. His goal is to help Christians and others who struggle in “finding some measure of peace living in our own skins.”
At my request, Gregory K. was kind enough to address the very problems that arise in fictional form in my novel Our Orbit. Many thanks to him—
Adolescents, Alcohol, and Alienation – Part 1
Photo by Margaret Sang – children peek through the gaps
To see a teenager drink or use drugs is startling. For those of us who have no experience along these lines to see a child using such a grown-up way of coping can really upset our view of the world.
It is just like sexual crimes. They are that much worse when they are committed against children, those who do not even fully understand what is happening to them. There is a terrible crashing together of cold reality and the innocence of childhood that we so prize in our culture. Therefore before we can help a child who has begun to use alcohol to find emotional relief we must first come to terms with this kind of fear and dark confusion that exists in ourselves.
Our fear, if it is not acknowledged, can taint our attempts to help.
In fear we may find ourselves trying to force such children to stop drinking, screaming and stomping our feet. We may find ourselves lecturing, shaming, and calling attention to all the ways that child has gone wrong morally. We may resort to threats and punishment, forced isolation and indoctrination, anything we can do to grind this problem out of our children.
But where does our desperation come from?
Fear is at the root of such approaches, fear of loss or of pain, for ourselves or for our children. While we may never be able to fully exorcise that fear, if we give into it and allow it to lead us tumbling forward at a frantic pace then we will rush right past the small gate and narrow road that we must travel with our children to find any real peace.
“…I found myself in a dark wood.” – Dante
With these thoughts in mind let us consider the emotionally troubled teenager who is using alcohol to find some sense of relief. One of the first things that need to be done is for the child to stop using alcohol. This is not because of some moral reason and it is not to lessen our own fears. Instead it is simply a matter of fact that when a person is using chemicals to alter their minds and escape reality they are not fully present with us as we begin our work.
There is a chemical barrier between us and them, and no surgery can be performed through a brick wall. This need for abstinence and sobriety on the part of the teenager though does not give us an excuse to start using force, punishments, and sermons to get them to stop. With teenagers, as with all people, true abstinence along these lines can only be achieved if they are themselves invested in the process.
Motivational interviewing is a technique that is used to help addicted people to start pursuing recovery for themselves.
Motivational interviewing is done by connecting the goal of sobriety with what they value most in their lives. If they are proud of their career, let us link sobriety and that career. If they are very involved with their families, let us link happy family life with sobriety. We are trying to make the rewards of such effort worth the hard work it will take to get there. Similar approaches can also work with the teenagers we are trying to help. This is especially true for the teenagers who have not yet become physiologically dependent, but who are only using alcohol to numb themselves.
It may help to openly and honestly explore with them this concept that alcohol only numbs the pain and does not remove it, and if they are willing to work with us a way may be found to real and lasting wholeness. Such honesty, and such straightforward explanations of the work we hope to do, will certainly work better than preaching, cajoling, and manipulating. If nothing else they will see where we are coming from and begin to develop some level of trust for our work and our intentions.
Now we move forward into the real work that must be done with such teenagers. Rather than present a comprehensive method for such work (which would be beyond my experience anyway) I will present a few concepts that may be helpful to keep in mind.
Honesty
When working with people who use things like alcohol to numb their pain we may be tempted to try and trick or manipulate them. “If you masturbate, you will go blind!” We may also want to shield those we are working with from the truth in some way hoping to protect them (or to protect ourselves). Certainly we need to have some sense of tact in this work since too much truth in the wrong way or at the wrong time can be just as destructive as a lie.
At the same time though the people we work with can be startlingly good at figuring out when we are being genuine or when we are just putting on a show for their benefit. Sometimes they may call us out, or sometimes they will remain darkly silent as they are continually bothered by our pat-answers and fake smiles. Either way, the trust they have for us is damaged each time this happens. And without trust there can be no real forward momentum.
Trust
Adolescents are at the developmental stage where social connections are the most important things they have. Who they are friends with, how they are connected to their families and loved ones, these things are more important than the “hard facts” we may try and throw at them. So before we can expect our words to carry any real weight in the lives of those teenagers we are working with we must first earn their trust by forging a social connection.
This does not mean we are trying to be “friends” with them. If we do try to go about it that way we may be surprised with how easily we become manipulated by the very teenagers we are trying to connect with. Instead it is about the teenagers coming to the realization that when they deal with us they will be treated honestly, fairly, and well. In the life of a troubled teenager these traits in the adults in their lives are more precious than anything else, even if they are too angry or hurt or confused to say so.
Structure
Perhaps one of the more difficult ideas to understand when working with children is this idea of creating structure. We are there to help these children and rules only seem to limit and frustrate them. Also we may find we dislike the work of enforcing those rules, especially with children who are suffering in our care. Rules for the sake of rules can indeed be damaging. But rules made with purpose can have lasting benefits.
Rules can teach teenagers the essential lesson of cause and effect. We are not trying to “discipline” the children, but connect them with the fact that what they choose to do will have certain consequences that must be considered. If they are late for a counseling session that means there will be less time to be together. If they shout they will not be heard as clearly as when they sit and speak. If they strike out they will not receive the care and attention they want. Here are a few guiding points about structure and consequences:
Explaining the rules, and the practical reasons why those rules exist, is an essential part of building a good relationship from adult to child. If a rule cannot be explained along these lines then it is not necessary.
Consistently enforcing those rules reduces the confusion that the teenager may feel when otherwise they may have been screamed at or beaten with no real cause.
Punishments only teach children that the stronger person can hurt the weaker person as she sees fit. All repercussions of breaking a rule then must be intrinsically connected to the practical purpose of the rule.
Allowing the teenagers to have a say in the making of the rules provides an excellent space for the child to learn to input and to feel heard. She becomes part of the process, a part of a relationship as opposed to a prisoner or victim.
The rules must be agreed upon by the child herself. Otherwise these rules simply become blunt instruments used by the adults to impose their will onto the child which creates a situation where social violence may accidentally be done.
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Gregory K‘s discussion of adolescents and alienation will continue in the near future. Meanwhile, the links below provide helpful information on addiction and recovery.
Visit the Harvard Help Guide
Visit SoberNation
Visit Parent Treatment Advocates
Visit Gabbertsite from mental health counselor Gail Gabbert
And here’s a recent article from the New York Times on teenagers discussing what might have stopped them from using drugs.
Thank you so much for visiting my blog today! Feel free to nose about the website and let me know if you like what you see, or if you have suggestions. You can reach me by leaving a comment in the box below or by clicking the Contact link at upper right (or just click here). Consider subscribing to my blog or newsletter. And stop by again soon!
by anesamiller_wuhi6k | Jun 8, 2015 | Blog, Series: Drawer no more!
The fiction bug bit hard, back when I was employed as a foreign-language teacher and should have been working on my dissertation on Tolstoy. Call it procrastination, but nothing brought me so much delight as a couple of stolen hours with a legal pad and row of needle-sharp pencils.
The short stories and novellas I produced in those early years were mostly unreadable. Surely, the way to prove that one is a writer is to use lots of long and difficult words! Or so I opined at the time. Steeped in academic language, I struggled to keep my sentences down to half a dozen dependent clauses, max.
Ah, the days when every word was precious!
Once I finally climbed down from the ivory tower, it was time to improve my style. I read Alice Munro and began to grasp how to shape a sentence, read Carolyn Chute and sensed the chemistry between characters, read Marquez and grappled with the dream that is an enthralling narrative. Small vignettes and short-shorts proved a good place to hone my craft. Several of those found homes in literary magazines—a thrill for the starry-eyed novice.
The short story form remained my nemesis. To this day, I consider it a lofty pinnacle of prose artistry, and have often said I hope to never write another.
But while ideas continued to swarm, and before I worked up the nerve to tackle a larger project, I labored in the fields of short fiction. I longed make readers pause and see fellow humans in a new way. Don’t people drive us crazy with anger, love, hysteria, amazement, and every possible emotion! I struggled to present characters that would help readers recognize their fellows—our fellows—with a bit more compassion than before.
One of my short stories at this time went by the cumbersome name “Gravitation of the Spheres.” Please be kind and consider it a throwback to my academic career. Other titles came and went, all equally bad. Despite the abstractly philosophical name, the tale was a simple one: a nine-year-old girl loses her parents and is thrust into foster care. A kind family takes her into their home. Connection ensues along with various conflicts. Crisis, resolution, THE END.
But this story gave me no rest. In one draft, I expanded the plot with new episodes. Then cut every expendable word to tighten things up. “Leaner and meaner” was supposed to be better and better, or so minimalists would have us believe. I revised that story so many times, my head began to spin. I had no idea which version might be better than another.
Realizing I needed professional help, I applied to The Kenyon Review Writer’s Workshop for my first class in creative writing.
Kenyon College had the advantage of being within a 3-hour drive of my town. More importantly, this is the home of the prestigious literary magazine that launched work by such luminaries as Alan Tate, Robert Penn Warren, Robert Lowell, and many others. If Ohio has a literary Mecca, I reasoned, this must be it!
All a-tremble with excitement, I joined a group of 12 acolytes studying with Nancy Zafris, a winner of the Flannery O’Connor Award for short fiction and a formidable presence. She forced us to realize the power of each word while becoming attached to none (Kill those darlin’s). Awed by Nancy’s skill with tone and structure, I felt no one could better advise me how to transform my troublesome story into the brilliant narrative it was meant to be.
But are they “Gravitating”?
Nancy graciously agreed to read “Gravitation of the Spheres.” She convinced me to reconsider the title and gave some pointers on focusing the plot. But it was her parting remark that helped me keep faith with the story for years to come: “Brush it up and send it out.”
So my strange little tale was in the ballpark of publishable material!
This 4800-word opus acquired the name “Our Orbit.” Not sure why I was determined to stick with cosmic imagery when this theme is not essential to the plot. I’ve gotten a bit of criticism despite the great improvement over previous titles. One widely published author told me that first person (“Our…”) was inappropriate, given that the story is written in third. And a couple of readers said they were misled to expect a sci-fi tale.
I hoped my eventual readers would accept the metaphorical sense of an “orbit.” Then I stumbled upon this same small phrase in Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird. There it’s used to describe Scout and Jem’s daily routine of play and exploration. This is not a major passage in the classic book, but it seemed so resonant with my story, I wasn’t about to give up the title from then on.
As for sending it out—first, I tried journals at the top of my wish list: Pleiades, Five Points, Prairie Schooner, Agni. Guess what happened! Soon moved on to a slightly humbler tier: Ascent, Spindrift, The Green Hills Literary Lantern. Eventually, I was scraping the bottom of the litmag barrel: Dodohebdo, DoTell Motel, Tales from the Hip, and FicLines. (Not their real names!) As discouragement set in, it was back to the legal pad many times over. For the next eight years, I sent the story to at least 50 different magazines, several of them more than once.
“No surprise for the writer, no surprise for the reader.” —a favorite saying from Kim Barnes, author of In the Kingdom of Men and professor in the University of Idaho creative writing program
Luckily for my flagging spirits, I succeeded in publishing other stories during this time—even one at The Kenyon Review. So what was the problem with “Our Orbit”?
No other story of mine garnered so many comments from editors scribbled at the bottom of rejection slips. One apologized for keeping “Our Orbit” on his desk for 8 months. He felt it wasn’t “ripe for acceptance” but couldn’t quite bear to reject it either. He found his mind “cycling back to it.”
At least half a dozen editors wrote that the story needed further development. Independently, several agreed that it could—even should—be expanded.
It had the makings of a fine novel.
This was not something I wanted to hear. Already at work on a novel, I had gained insight on the time and effort required for such a project. “Our Orbit,” by contrast, was just a practice piece. Not bad, but no major opus. Something to get off my desk and onto my publication list—not a sinkhole for endless tinkering, a baby bird demanding food to grow.
But art is like a higher power. Not unlike God, it “disposes,” regardless of what we humans propose.
Soon enough, I had finished two other novels. With no agent or publisher in sight, discouragement set in hard this time. Fiction was a cruel master. I tried writing essays and poetry: anything to keep up my skill with words. Then, my husband was invited to apply for a job in the Pacific Northwest, 2000 miles from our home. This opened an opportunity for me to enter an MFA program in creative writing.
One more way to keep working, to stop myself from giving up.
So in August 2005, we were preparing to relocate across country. In our Ohio backyard one warm night, I wondered how I would get along without my garden. I looked up at the sky, but didn’t focus on the stars until I realized that they were falling. It was the Perseiad meteor shower that comes every year in late summer.
What are they, really?
Beautiful lines of light streaked the sky. And with them, a thought popped into my head. A perfect scene for “Our Orbit”: My fictional family hurries outside to see the meteors. The children ask questions…parents try to explain so the little ones can understand.
So many falling stars—is it an omen, or a mere fact of nature?
This unfolded into a scene for Our Orbit the novel. Same plot as the story, but with more people, more fully fleshed characters interacting in more complex ways. It became my thesis in the MFA program at the University of Idaho. It took 5 years to create a complete draft. I was convinced it would become my first mainstream, publishable novel. For 2 more years, I would search for an agent—would give up, try again, and give up again.
“Now, Our Orbit will be re-issued by Sibylline Press in 2025.”
Now, Our Orbit will be re-issued by Booktrope Publishing on June 23, 2015.
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Thank you so much for visiting my blog today! Feel free to nose about the website and let me know if you like what you see, or if you have suggestions. You can reach me by leaving a comment in the box below or by clicking the Contact link at upper right (or just click here). Consider subscribing to my blog or newsletter. Stop by again soon!
by anesamiller_wuhi6k | Jun 5, 2015 | Blog, Series: Drawer no more!
The cover of Gail’s new book
With us on the blog today is Gail Ward Olmsted, an author of two published novels, who is busy at work on a third. Her new book, Guessing at Normal, is a “rock and roll romance,” as detailed below. Gail is a professor in the School of Business & Information Technology at Springfield Technical Community College in Springfield, MA. She received the Deliso Endowed Chair Award as well as statewide recognition for excellence in education. Gail says that she is “a hopeless romantic…married to the love of my life, mom to two young adults and three cats.” She enjoys reading, boating, music, and travel.
Anesa Miller: Thanks for being with us, Gail. As you know, I’ve been exploring questions of genre recently. So I’d like to ask your opinion as a writer: Does genre offer readers information they need in order to choose a book like others they’ve enjoyed?
For more about genre, and also author interviews click here!
Gail Ward Olmsted: As a reader, I am not a big fan of ‘genre typing’. I personally enjoy a variety of books. I look for interesting characters, a well-developed plot, realistic dialogue and good writing style. Tell me your title, show me a cover and share a blurb: I can decide if I want to read a book without the label. Labels limit choices. Can it be a romance if a main character dies or there’s no happily ever after? Is it automatically considered ‘young adult’ if the main character is 23 or younger? If you include the male’s point of view, can it still be ‘women’s fiction’?
AM: Those are great questions. I would love to hear a publisher’s response! Don’t they usually insist on slotting books into a fairly tight category for marketing purposes?
GWO: Yes, and I do understand why, at least in theory. Some publishers specialize in certain types of books and knowing where your book ‘fits’ helps them to deliver the best possible product and to identify the ideal target market. Many readers have very strong preferences on the type of books they like to read. As a business professional, I understand that a successful product needs to offer a distinct selling proposition. I just appreciate a somewhat more liberal interpretation of some of the ‘rules’.
AM: And how would you describe your own work? Or maybe I should ask, how is it defined for marketing?
GWO: I write somewhere between contemporary romance and women’s contemporary fiction with a splash of chick-lit to keep from taking myself too seriously. Self-discovery seems to be a key theme in my first two novels, as well as the one I am working on now.
GWO
AM: I haven’t read your new book yet, but a rock and roll romance sounds like a lot of fun. Have you created a playlist of songs that “work” with the story? Did any particular songs inspire you as you worked on the book?
GWO: Music always inspires me! Certain songs take me back to very distinct times in my life, some good and others—not so much. Each chapter in Guessing is a title of a pop song from the last twenty-five years starting when the story begins in 1989. They represent the tone and content of the chapter and help to tell the story. I spent a lot of time choosing titles such as:
- Got My Mind Set on You ~ George Harrison
- I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing ~ Aerosmith
- Only Wanna Be with You ~ Hootie & the Blowfish
- Torn ~ Natalie Imbruglia
- Hard to Handle ~ The Black Crowes
- Everybody Hurts ~ R.E.M.
- Right Here, Right Now ~ Jesus Jones
- You Get What You Give ~ New Radicals
- Linger ~ The Cranberries
- Crash Into Me ~ Dave Matthews Band
- Come As You Are ~ Nirvana
AM: Thanks again for joining us, Gail. Her new book is Guessing at Normal. Here’s what it’s about—
Jill Griffin has mastered the art of being invisible, so when she falls in love with sexy rocker James Sheridan, at first she is content to live in his larger than life shadow. Building a ‘normal’ life together under the glare of the media is challenging and further complicated by constant touring, James’ partying and the mixed signals she gets from James’ twin brother Alex.
When her poems and journal ramblings become the songs on James’ best-selling album, Jill has to step out of her comfort zone and figure out how to live her life in a spotlight all her own. With no road map to follow, she struggles to navigate her way in her search for happiness. As her professional success threatens her relationship with James, Jill questions whether she can make a living writing love songs without the love of her life.
Purchase Guessing at Normal from Barnes & Noble, or from Amazon.
Connect with Gail Ward Olmsted on social media—
Twitter Facebook Amazon
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Thank you so much for visiting my blog today! Please feel free to nose about the website and let me know if you like what you see, or if you have suggestions. You can reach me by leaving a comment in the box below or by clicking the Contact link at upper right (or just click here). I hope you’ll stop by again soon. And please consider subscribing to my blog or newsletter!
by anesamiller_wuhi6k | May 29, 2015 | Blog, National Foster Care Month
We cannot all become foster parents, much as we may wish we could. But if you’re on the fence, talking yourself out of taking the plunge, you may get a chuckle from the following—
On her blog, The Beautiful Opportunity, bio, adoptive, and foster mother “Mama Fox” created this lovely version of Sharon Astyk’s list of 100 types of foster parents.
Mama Fox says, “Read through this list. If you find yourself described any of the types below, then you’re needed!”
1. People who know the kids already. The first choice for any child is someone who already knows and loves them and vice versa. If you are relative, that’s called kinship care. If you are a teacher, neighbor, friend, daycare provider…fictive kinship care. Lots of people become foster parents this way, because someone in their community needs them RIGHT NOW. If kids you care about come into care, you can become a foster parent right away sometimes if you are kin by blood or connection.
2. Bi, Gay and Gay-positive families – Because gay kids come into care too, and your family has a lot to offer.
3. Couples of all kinds – because, well this is hard work and you need someone to vent to and watch the kids when you go to the bathroom.
The topic of child welfare looms large in my novel Our Orbit, which tells the story of an Appalachian girl who crosses the tracks to become foster daughter to an educated family. In gratitude to those who helped me learn about the many demands and great rewards of foster care, I am sharing information on this topic throughout the month of May 2015, National Foster Care Month.
4. Anyone who speaks another language. Because imagine being dropped in a home where you can’t communicate at all, on top of everything else. Plus, how cool is it for kids to learn another language in your home?
5. Doctors, nurses, paramedics, other medical professionals. Because a lot of kids come into care because of serious medical needs and it helps not to be scared of the equipment, or the tiny premature babies.
6. People with big houses. Sibling groups, y’know.
7. People with tiny apartments. Because even in a studio, you can usually take babies or children under 2 or 3 (based on local regulations).
8. City folks – because urban areas have the greatest need, and staying in your neighborhood means preserving schools and friendships and continuity.
9. Country folks – because rural kids come into care too.
10. Indigenous peoples – because the ICWA (in the US, there are other laws in other countries) means that there is strong preference for keeping kids in tribal homes and communities.
11. Working Parents – Because often kids will come from homes where no one holds a job or works, and they need to see you being something in order to want to grow up to be something themselves.
12. People who hate babies and would rather die than change a diaper. Seriously, lots of people love babies, but you don’t have to – foster parents are most needed for older kids and teenagers. Want someone who doesn’t need a sitter, handles their own toileting and can go to concerts and basketball games with you? They are out there.
13. Single gender homes. Some kids really need parents and siblings of one gender because of prior experiences.
14. Grandparents. If your kids are grown and gone and you miss the days when there was a baby to rock or someone to take to Little League, your skills and experience and wisdom are needed.
15. People who want to adopt. Because 25% of kids removed my never go home. And if you are willing to take kids with higher needs, they may be legally free already.
16. People who DO NOT want to adopt. Because the other 75% will go to kin or home, and people who want to support birth families and help kids can do more work for more years than the rest of us.
17. Brave people who are willing to learn. Learn to help a kid with braces and crutches in the morning, learn another language, learn to be part of a community that wasn’t yours by birth, to step up and ask a birth parent to help you understand…takes nerve.
18. Nerds and Geeks. Because you remember what it was to be the kid who didn’t fit in, and you can be there for them. And ’cause legos and Star Trek costumes.
19. People who think spit up is an accessory. Because arms are needed to rock the babies. Addicted and medically fragile babies especially.
20. Young people in their 20s – You’ve got energy, you remember what it was like in school and you already know the words to Uptown Funk.
21. People with no pets. Some kids have allergies.
22. Farm folk. Because there is nothing as healing as critters and dirt and fresh vegetables that kids pick themselves.
23. Parents who already have kids with special needs. Because you know how to get that IEP through and how to manage the G-tube, and you aren’t scared by the diagnosis.
24. People with a Sense of Humor. Because trust me, you will need it.
25. Religious people. Because foster children have a legal right to the support of their religion – and because it can be incredibly meaningful to kids to have ritual and structure in their lives.
26. Non-religious people and atheists. Because non-religious parents lose their kids too, and they have a right to the support of their culture. Because seeing the world without God can be incredibly meaningful too.
27. Transgender and trans-positive parents. Because kids gender non-conform too.
28. Multi-racial families. Because you already get it.
29. Black, White, Latino, Pacific Islander, Asian families – because kids feel comfortable when someone in their family looks like them.
30. Big families. ‘Cause there’s always something fun to do and hey, what is one or two more?
31. Small families. Some kids really need to be an only child.
32. Families who can care about and recognize the importance of birth families. Because they are always a part of your children. And sometimes you can build something wonderful with birth parents.
33. Grownups. Because it hurts when they go home, but at least YOU are bearing the pain, not them. Kids in care often are there because no one was willing to be the grownup. Here’s your chance.
34. Smart people. Because this is hard, challenging work – getting your kids what they need, working with service providers, getting diagnoses, navigating the legal system…it is hard and being smart and thoughtful helps. But remember, that doesn’t mean “went to college or grad school” it just means willing to figure out the system. There is no minimum level of education.
35. People who get angry about injustice. Because the kids and their families are part of the greatest slow moving tragedy in the world – our lack of caring for the most vulnerable. You can help and make a real difference.
36. Strong folks. Because this will push you to your limits, and past them.
37. Fathers. Single and married, gay and straight. Many kids have never had a man in their lives who was safe and loving and caring, didn’t even know that they existed.
38. People with pets. Because the love you get from the dog or the cat can be a huge gift.
39. Stay-at-home parents. Because newborns can’t go to daycare and some kids really need a full-time parent.
40. Families that already have kids. Because a brother or sister is a gift, and parents who have been there know how to do the baby dance or help with math homework.
41. Families that have no kids. Because you won’t compare them to anyone and they deserve to be the center of your world.
42. People who really want boys. Because they are harder to place than girls.
43. Special educators. Because you can look past the diagnosis and see the kid, and you aren’t scared by it.
44. Crunchy folk. Because the kids need good healthy food and fresh air and parents who believe in holding and talking.
45. Scientists and analytical people. Because someone has to sort out what works and what doesn’t for the kids. Plus, home physics experiments.
46. Quiet introverts. Because some kids are like that too, and overstimulation is tough on traumatized kids.
47. Loud, crazy, silly, I’ll do anything parents. Because there’s nothing like a dance party to break up a tantrum or Mom wearing her Elvis costume to set kids to giggling.
48. People who are willing to work hard in the world and in themselves on anti-racism. Because if you are going to have kids that are not the same color as you, you need to do that work.
49. Gentle people. The kids have experienced so much violence. Be gentle.
50. Curious people. Because the system and the underlying issues in it are fascinating, often in a train-wreck kind of way. If you want to have your eyes opened, this is good for you.
51. Social welfare and legal professionals. Because you understand the system and can work with it.
52. Fierce, protective Moms and Dads. Because you are going to make sure your child’s needs get met.
53. People who love their brothers and sisters. Because you can imagine how wrenching it would be to lose your sibling, and you can make room for kids to stay together.
54. People with a “what the hell, sounds interesting” attitude. Because who else will take a sibling group of six or newborn twins and a 2 year old?
55. Athletic people. Because they will keep you running, and you already know about endurance.
Is it easy to introduce a new foster child to your biological or already adopted children? Advance planning can certainly help. Click here and here for a discussion of this important topic.
56. Warm, soft people. Because all those curves and soft parts are great for cuddling.
57. Aunts and uncles. You love your nieces and nephews and spoil the heck out of them. And you could do it for someone else.
58. People who are scared to foster. Because we all are scared when we open the door – it is a huge, life changing thing. It is ok to be scared.
59. Minorities within minorities. Because sometimes kids are minorities within minorities and you can understand the complex interplays of race, class, disability, gender, etc…
60. People who were angry, troubled adolescents themselves. Because you’ll get it. When they get their tatoos, you can show them yours.
61. Empty nesters. Because you have done it all before, and can do it again, and let’s be honest, you kinda tear up when the 6th grade band plays the Star Wars theme badly.
62. People who had tough lives. Because you get it. Your experience with getting through abuse or addiction or trauma can help them, if you can deal with your own triggers.
63. People who can let go and trust in God. Because sometimes you have to admit stuff is out of your hands, and sometimes prayer helps.
64. People who can let go and trust in themselves. Because sometimes prayer doesn’t help, or isn’t for you, and you have to keep trying.
65. People who are nervous about becoming parents. Because everyone with a brain is. It is a huge transition and if you are smart enough to be scared, you have a good start on things.
66. Managers, accountants and the super-organized who color-code their socks. Because it makes life a lot easier if you can keep it all together.
67. Hard workers. Because the race doesn’t go to the swift in parenting – it takes the same 18 years for each kid to get to adulthood. It goes to the ones who keep coming back to it and trying their best and trying again and again.
68. Unselfish people. Folks who can love and accept it might be a while, maybe a long while, before they are ready to love you back.
69. People with goats. There’s just something about goats.
70. Mothers. Single and Married, Gay and Straight. Because, well, Mommies.
71. People with good friends. Because you are going to need a lot of support in this journey. Make sure you tell them what you want from them.
72. Couples who love each other deeply. Because this can be hard, and you will need each other. Plus kids need to see good love to model it in their lives.
73. People with young children. You are already changing diapers, right? So…
74. People with older children. Because that teenager who can barely tolerate you can be a different person when he’s playing with his four year old sister.
75. First and second generation immigrants from everywhere. Because your experience can help others, and your worldview is wide.
76. Disabled people. Because while you may not be able to run as fast as he can, you can give him time and help him navigate a world that wasn’t built for traumatized kids either.
77. Single parents – Because you already have mastered making it all work, and you have amazing skills to share.
78. People part of strong, nurturing communities. Because getting a new placement is like having a baby – and getting a sibling placement is like having four babies. You will need their help.
79. Suburban residents. Because suburbs have kids in care too.
80. Gamers and Game geeks. Because gaming with your kids is awesome. You might have to wait a while on Cards Against Humanity, though.
81. Great Homemakers. If you care about making a beautiful, peaceful, safe home – well, kids need that. Making home a refuge can be incredibly healing.
82. Not-so-Great Homemakers. You can be a slob and a foster parent if you can learn to clean up for the social workers. Trust me on this one.
83. Gardeners and DIYers. You are used to fixing up and making do, preserving and preparing. You’ll find those skills are valuable both in the practical value of feeding the kids and in the metaphorical area of building them up. Moreover, alongside you, the kids learn competence.
84. People who have been or are poor. You do have to be able to feed the kids, but the truth is that you don’t have to have a lot of money or own a home to be a foster parent, and understanding where they came from is good.
85. People with roommates and housemates. As long as everyone passes the background checks and there is room for the kids, households don’t have to be traditional to be loving and wonderful.
86. People who have lost people they loved. Because you know you can live with grief if a child goes home.
87. People with experience of mental illness. Either personally, in your family or in your work, your knowledge and understanding can help kids from families with mental health issues and kids with mental health issues.
88. Parents who sometimes lose their temper, who don’t always do it right, who wish they were better parents. Because all of us do. You can’t hit the kids, but nobody is perfect, and you don’t have to be to be a foster parent.
89. People who can roll with it. Because expecting the unexpected is the rule in foster care. That call in the night at 11pm. The fact that there’s one more kid than they told you…
90. People with handicapped accessible housing. Because disabled kids need a place they can get around in.
91. Folks that live in diverse communities. Because kids are most comfortable where they don’t stick out.
92. People who love the outdoors. Because a lot of kids have barely been out of their homes and never knew the glory of the natural world.
93. Rabid sports fans. Because helping your kid kick a ball down a field or cheer for your team is a great bonding activity. And that competence thing again.
94. Stubborn, Never-Say-Die people. Would you rather have your eyeballs put out than ask for directions? Do you cheer for your team even though they’ve never won a championship in living memory? Will you stay out in the cold wrestling with the broken thing for 3 hours rather than admit you can’t fix it? Awesome. Because kids who have had trauma need people who will stick it out and keep trying and trying and never give up on them.
95. Mechanical people. If you are interested, rather than freaked out by a breathing monitor or the project of building a better ramp, awesome. And if you can’t think of anything more fun than showing your daughter how to fix her bike, here’s your chance.
96. Foodies. Because a lot of kids have been terribly deprived, and bringing them into the kitchen and making sure they know there will always be dinner is a gift to them – and teaching them how to make it themselves is an even bigger gift.
97. People who like gross out jokes and aren’t squeamish. Lots of pee, poop and vomit in this job. Best you find it funny.
98. People who want to leave the world a better place. A fostering and adopting friend once called it “Earning your breathing air.” You will.
99. People who don’t want biological children or don’t care about biological relationships. Great – one less reason for the kids to worry “You love her more than me because…”
100. Just plain old regular, ordinary people. Someone a lot like you.
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Thank you for learning about issues involved in foster care! For additional information—
Visit The Beautiful Opportunity.
Visit writer, teacher, blogger, and farmer Sharon Astyk at Resilience.org.
Visit the Wisconsin Coalition for Children, Youth & Families.
Visit the official site of National Foster Care Month 2015. That’s right now!
Visit the National Foster Parent Association.
And feel free to share your insights in the “Comments” section below.
by anesamiller_wuhi6k | May 26, 2015 | Blog, National Foster Care Month
The topic of child welfare looms large in my novel Our Orbit, which tells the story of an Appalachian girl who crosses the tracks to become foster daughter to an educated family. Love and conflict ensue as all the burning social issues of our time raise their sometimes ugly heads. In gratitude to those who helped me learn about the many demands and great rewards of foster care, I am sharing information on this topic throughout the month of May 2015, National Foster Care Month.
From the website of the Wisconsin Coalition for Children, Youth & Families—
Forgiveness is a concept that can be challenging to understand and put into practice, especially for children. Just like you teach most skills, starting early and using repetition are keys to success. Forgiveness is no exception.
Kids playing with water from hydrant, Lower East Side, 1978
When children are able to learn these skills, it will become ingrained within them, which will help them to be able to move forward in life.
Dag Hammarskjold, winner of the Nobel Peace prize and Secretary to the UN wrote, “Forgiveness is the answer to the child’s dream of a miracle by which what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is again made clean.”
Many adopted and foster children who have been adopted from the foster care system and some orphanages have histories that include being “broken” and “soiled,” as Hammarskold says. Forgiveness gives them the opportunity to look to the future and make “clean” their past.
The facts of their past remain, but their future can still be influenced with opportunities to make positive choices. As parents, you can slowly help them let go and move on.
David Pelzer, author and survivor of one of the worst cases of abuse in California’s history, wrote in his third book A Man Named Dave: A Story of Triumph and Forgiveness that “the answer for all victims of abuse is compassion and forgiveness.”
When we allow our children to live without forgiving others, it affects their physical, psychological, and spiritual lives.
Forgiveness can be simply the decrease in negative thoughts, feelings, and actions toward another. As you continue to talk about and practice forgiveness, there will be a gradual increase to more positive thinking, feeling, and acting which lends to healthier children who become healthier adults.
To continue reading on the website of the Coalition for Children, Youth & Families, click here.
Thank you for learning about issues involved in foster care! For additional information—
Visit the official site of National Foster Care Month 2015. That’s right now!
Visit the National Foster Parent Association.
And feel free to share your insights in the “Comments” section below.
by anesamiller_wuhi6k | May 22, 2015 | Blog, National Foster Care Month
From “Loving Little Arrows”
The topic of child welfare looms large in my novel Our Orbit, which tells the story of an Appalachian girl who crosses the tracks to become foster daughter to an educated family. Love and conflict ensue as all the burning social issues of our time raise their sometimes ugly heads. In gratitude to those who helped me learn about the many demands and great rewards of foster care, I am sharing information on this topic throughout the month of May 2015, National Foster Care Month.
The following guest post is from Loving Little Arrows 3/28/15, the blog of Mackenzie, “a Jesus lover, wife, bio-mom of two, and a foster mom to many more.” Many thanks to Mackenzie for sharing this deeply touching perspective.
The Other Woman He Calls Mommy—
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:7
My last post was about how thankful I am that in this moment I am J’s Mommy. I felt it only fitting to share my heart on the other woman he calls Mommy.
Before we ever received a phone call asking us to take a little on into our home, I prayed and prepared myself to speak lovingly over a woman I would likely hate. I was certain that with loving my new child would come anger towards the one who had failed him and caused him so much pain. Never the less, I was determined that I was going to love this woman.
And if I couldn’t, I was at least going to speak lovingly about her to the child who loved her. I truly am a believer that, whenever possible, reunification is the best option. I can only imagine that parenting through CPS can be discouraging, and I wanted to be the encourager. I wanted to keep pushing her forward and assuring her that she could make the changes necessary to bring her child back to a safe and loving home.
This scenario that has played out in my head, where I would grit my teeth and through the grace of God love an unloveable woman.. Well, it didn’t turn out to be our reality.
From the moment J arrived my heart soften toward’s his mom. I was shocked by the amount of belonging that arrived with J, as it’s common for children in foster care to arrive at your home with the clothes they are wearing and possible a small garbage bag. As we signed papers that night, accepting our rolls as his parents, his case worker told us that his mom had been very cooperative and had asked if she would be allowed to meet us during his first visitation with her. She was scared, and wanted to know her baby was safe.
While it hasn’t been without tension, our relationship has only improved since then. I’m shocked at how easily I love the woman I was sure I would hate. I’m shocked by the amount of compassion and forgiveness I feel towards her.
The first letter she wrote to me thanked me for caring for J, she too has a softer heart towards me than she expected, and explaining how much she loves him. The letter had pages full of all the things J likes, many of which i’d already began to figure out – It was reassuring to see how well she knew her son. I’ve watched her walk to visits that were scheduled during a time that her car wasn’t available – this is to an office that is at least 3 miles from her house, and she’s always early. She buys him special chap-stick and hair products, little things that have impacted me. We have had several conversations while we sit in the waiting area waiting for the visitation supervisor to take them back into a room for their time together.
Often, I catch myself wondering when the other shoe will drop… Waiting for things to suddenly go south and to realize this is all just an act. When I catch myself in this place, I quickly bring myself back to where God wants me – that is, trusting Him, and extending unreserved grace and love towards her.
J’s mom is not a secret subject in our home. We have pictures of her framed in J’s room, we talk about and pray over her daily. Please don’t think that I am excusing her part in what J has been through. But neither my physical nor spiritual job title is “judge,” there are those who will examine the case and determine the consequences, but that is not me. What I am doing is believing in the power of God to redeem, and believing in a redemption story for this family. Ultimately I pray that God’s hand will help everyone who is involved in this case to paint the story He has willed for J’s life.
* * * *
For additional information—
Visit the official site of National Foster Care Month 2015. That’s right now!
Visit the National Foster Parent Association.
And feel free to share your insights in the “Comments” section below.
Perhaps one of the more difficult ideas to understand when working with children is this idea of creating structure. We are there to help these children and rules only seem to limit and frustrate them. Also we may find we dislike the work of enforcing those rules, especially with children who are suffering in our care. Rules for the sake of rules can indeed be damaging. But rules made with purpose can have lasting benefits.
12. People who hate babies and would rather die than change a diaper. Seriously, lots of people love babies, but you don’t have to – foster parents are most needed for older kids and teenagers. Want someone who doesn’t need a sitter, handles their own toileting and can go to concerts and basketball games with you? They are out there.
37. Fathers. Single and married, gay and straight. Many kids have never had a man in their lives who was safe and loving and caring, didn’t even know that they existed.
